Officer needs assistance
by revupthosefryers
Summary: When an embarrassing personal issue causes Judy to call in sick to work, Nick is left to fend for himself during a life-threatening altercation. After facing his own mortality, Nick wrestles with whether or not to confess his true feelings to Judy while she struggles with the guilt over not being there for her partner. Strong language, violence, sex and drug use within
1. Bunny stuff

"Carrots, you really didn't have to call. Clawhauser already told me you were out today. It's no big."

Nick could hear Judy sigh on the other end of the line. "I know, I know. But, I felt like I should anyway. I didn't want you to just hear I was gone secondhand from Clawhauser. I felt like I owed you an explanation."

All Nick could do was chuckle as he delicately balanced his cellphone in the crook of his neck, still stuffing the tail of his uniform shirt into his trousers. "'Owed me an explanation?' You need to take a sick day, what else is there to explain? You're overthinkin' this one you innocent, hardworkin' little hayseed. Now go rest, will you? I can save the city on my own today."

For a few seconds there was nothing. Not even a rustle on the other end of the call. Nick was about to ask if Judy was still there when she finally replied, tinges of guilt and embarrassment in her tone.

"Well. I'm… I'm not exactly sick."

A sly smirk spread across Nick's face as he zipped up his fly, grabbing his equipment belt before slamming the locker door shut with his foot. "Ahhhh, I get it. Hung over, right? Did Clawhauser rope you into one of his 'girls nights out' at that gay bar down on 5th and Kalahara? Knock back one too many? Ehhhhh?" He was grinning now as he notched his belt around his waist. "C'mon Carrots, fess up. We've all been there."

"What? No! Of course not! Never! I'd never drink like that on a work night, you know that!"

Nick was struggling to hold back laughter, placing a paw on his muzzle to stifle the few snickers that managed to escape his lips. Judy's earnest, farmgirl's voice sounded so offended at the very thought of her getting rowdy drunk when she had to be at work the next day. It was too funny to him as a world-weary city slicker. She was just too pure for this world.

At least, that's what Nick thought at that point in the conversation.

"Oh hush I can hear you laughing!" Nick shouldn't have been surprised she could pick up on that, given how big her ears were. "I'm not sick. I'm just having some, issues. That's all."

Nick's smirk was gone in an instant, his brows furrowed in concern. There was something about the way she had said 'issues' that put him on edge. "Alright Hopps, level with me. What's goin' on? You ok?"

Judy groaned. Nick heard a rustle of activity which he could only assume was her flopping down onto her bed in exasperation. "Oh jeeeeez, Nick. Please, don't worry." He'd gotten a bit of a reputation ever since they became partners of being a bit overprotective. It wasn't exactly unfounded, given everything they had been through in the first few days of their friendship. But it was still a source of frustration for Judy though, being the driven and independent bunny that she was. She'd slaved away on her own to get this job and she didn't need anyone looking out for her. That was tough for her in Nick's eyes, however, because no amount of reassurance or annoyance on her part was going to get him to ease up.

"It's…" She started to explain, but trailed off. Maybe she was hoping Nick would just drop it.

No dice. Even as he navigated the locker room packed of half-naked ZPD officers, Nick was now singularly focused on the well-being of his partner. "Out with it Hopps, c'mon. I'm not hanging up, and I'll just keep calling back until you tell me. I can do this alllll day."

Judy sighed in defeat. She knew Nick wasn't lying. "It's… bunny stuff. Ok?"

"Bunny stuff?"

" _Girl_ bunny stuff."

Nick stared at his phone, pondering turning on the video feature just so she could see the expression on his face. "Carrots, let's pretend for a moment I'm not in the 6th grade, or a Sunday school class? Just give me a frank explanation, okay? You're not gonna gross me out. If there's anything I can do, I want to help. Is there something you need me to pick up for you from the pharmacy or-"

"Nick, please." Judy cut him off before he could go any further. "It's really sweet of you to want to help, honestly. But there's nothing you can do about this." Her voice suddenly got a few octaves lower. "Not unless you were a male bunny. Though at this point, I'd probably just… I don't even know. Ugh."

It took a few seconds for Nick's brain to fully process what he had just heard. The moment the lightbulb went on over his head, he flushed pink under his fur. "Oh. So… so you mean-"

"Yes. Nick. I'm in heat."

A beat passed. "Well- no, no that's not quite right. Bunnies don't go into heat per say. We're not like other animals. But, we uh. We still have times every so often when we're just more, um, 'receptive' to mal e advances…"

"Receptive?" Nick found himself oddly curious all of a sudden. "What exactly do you mean by-"

"I want to screw anything with a pulse and male anatomy."

"Iiiiiiiii seeeeeee…" Nick responded awkwardly, stepping off into a side corridor and lowering his voice, making sure no one else was walking by. "So, normally you can just shrug it off or something?"

"Yeah. Usually I just feng shui my way through it. Sheer force of will, you know? But sometimes- I dunno. Today it's just a little overpowering. I just felt like if I even got close to a male of _any_ species today I might do something drastic…"

"Heh. Drastic? Like what?" Nick blinked the moment that question had left his lips. It had come out a little too much like he was a patron on a phone sex line. What was with him? He kept finding himself thinking about how there were days that Judy had been sitting next to him in the car like this and he hadn't noticed. Maybe it was something only other bunnies could smell. Either way, the idea of a horny Judy sitting right next to him? That was a bit… well.

That was something, that's what that was.

"Ugh, I don't know…" Judy thankfully hadn't noticed Nick's borderline lusty tone, too frustrated with her situation to care. "…all I know is my body feels like it's calling the shots today and I don't want to tempt fate. And I just wanted to call to let you know that because I felt better with you knowing the truth and understanding why I'd be totally useless to you today. I hope it wasn't all too much info for you…"

"Hey, Carrots." Nick switched back to his favorite nickname for her, reassuring her that everything was ok. "As someone who used to work in a 'business' built around lies, I really appreciate you being straight up with me. And don't worry about it being 'TMI'- I'm a big boy. I've heard way worse things long before you and I met." He paused for a second, his smirk returning to his face. "I won't sully your pure little farmgirl ears with any of it of course, so you'll just have to take my word for it."

That got the first laugh of the day out of Judy, which made Nick feel better. "You jerk. Go be a cop. Hopefully I'll be back in control by tomorrow."

"I certainly hope so," Nick flipped on his aviators as he stepped out into the parking lot, the morning sun bearing down already- it was going to be a hot one. "The last thing I need is you coming in to work while you're still all 'needy' and tackling the nearest poor sap in the middle of a foot pursuit. Or tackling me because I'm the nearest thing with a set of balls!"

"Nick!" At first he thought she might be upset, but the giggle that followed put that thought to rest. Though it was immediately followed up with the thought of how adorable- and slightly sexy –she sounded when she giggled like that.

"Hey, don't laugh! You could do a lot worse than me while you're in this situation you know!"

For a moment, Nick thought for a second time that maybe she'd hung up on him or been disconnected. But right as he was opening the door to his cruiser, Judy suddenly responded in a coy, almost coquettish voice.

"You know, I really could."

That response caught Nick a little off guard, if not in its content, its delivery. It must have done the same to Judy as well. Before he could comment on it any further, she abruptly ended the call with a quickly stammered "Illtalktoyoulaterbye!"

Nick stared down at his cell, his brain struggling to catch up with what had just happened. It had all developed so quickly that all he could manage was to just go with the flow. And where had that just led them? This was not what he was expecting when he first answered this call five minutes earlier.

The constant dinging from inside his car, screaming at him to shut the door, finally roused him from his introspection. He didn't have time to think about this now. Partner or no partner, he still had a job to do.


	2. 11-99

Try as he might, Nick couldn't get that conversation out of his head for the rest of the morning. As he cruised along the city streets, it felt like every waking moment that wasn't occupied by something work related was spent deconstructing that early morning phone-call with Judy bit by agonizing bit.

It wasn't as though sexual tension between the two of them was a new thing. They had both acknowledged- indirectly –that there was a bit of a spark between them. He'd felt it even when he thought that she was only a nosy meter maid with pie-in-the-sky dreams that were never going to be fulfilled. With so many hours spent together, either on the job or off duty, the fact that there was some degree of chemistry between the two was undeniable. No question there.

All that being said, neither of them had ever acted on that chemistry. Ever. Sure, there had been the occasional, casual joke- usually at the other's expense and after imbibing a certain amount of alcohol. But neither of them had ever made any attempt to try and push them from friendship territory into, well, anything other than that. Neither of them had displayed any sort of inkling, verbal or otherwise, that they would like to attempt that sort of- relationship? Could you call it that?

At least, not until this morning.

Maybe.

Nick drummed his fingers intensely on the steering wheel, his brows furrowing deep in concentration behind his aviators. He was probably overthinking this. No, no he was definitely overthinking this. Explicitly speaking, neither of them had said anything that clearly showed an interest in that conversation. The status quo still stood. She was probably just teasing him just the same way that he always teased her. She was learning pretty fast from him after all. He was a good teacher in how to get under people's skin.

But, if you added in that tone and the inflection she had used to the equation. That way she had said she really could do a lot worse in her situation-

"GAHHHHHH!"

Nick slammed his head against the steering wheel repeatedly, screaming out in frustration. It was maddening. It was just fucking _maddening!_

He immediately straightened up, flushed with embarrassment, whipping his head around to make sure no one had saw him. Thankfully, the streets in this part of town seemed pretty sparse this morning. He lifted up his glasses, rubbing his already weary temples. God, he needed to get a grip on himself. This is not what he needed on a Monday morning- not at all.

Why was it bothering him so much anyway? Sure, he was attracted to Judy. They both had a bit of a mutual attraction- he'd just gone over that in his head ad naseum. He'd come to the conclusion a long time ago that he wouldn't mind a romp in the hay with her, in his fantasies. But it wasn't like he was in love with her or obsessed with her. Right?

...Right?

 **RIGHT?**

 _Blink._

"Ok, hold on Nick. Just hold the fuck on!" Nick turned to frown at himself in the rear-view mirror. "Let's not jump to any rash conclusions here. Let's- let's just think about this rationally for a second. Break it all down."

Yes. Break it all down. That was a good idea. Use some logic. He wasn't being obsessive! He wasn't in love with Judy Hopps! Him? Love? Ha! It was just a little work-related lust, that was all! Had he thought about what it would be like to have sex with her? Certainly. In detail? Absolutely, what other way was there to do it? Had he thought about it while engaging in, uh, 'private time?' Well, yes. Yes he had. But that was harmless. It wasn't like he did it a lot Only a couple times in the last month. Just an occasional dalliance. He was the woman he had the most interaction with on a daily basis after all.

Hold on, wait. No, it was more than just a couple times in the last month he'd thought about it while having 'alone time.'. Maybe three times. Four? No, wait it was more than four wasn't it? Ok, but it couldn't be any more than six, right?

Uh oh.

Uhhhhh oh.

That train of thought was suddenly, and mercifully, derailed for Nick with the screeching of tires and the clanging of metal. A beaten up, rusty sedan suddenly swerved out of an alleyway ahead, a pair of toppled trash cans rolling into the street in its wake, ushering a cacophony of disgruntled honks from a passing motorist in the oncoming lane. The car made a hard right, turning onto the boulevard Nick had been cruising down and pulling away from him rapidly.

"Oh, thank you God. _Thank you._ " Nick muttered to whatever deity was watching over him. If he ever needed a distraction, it was now. He tapped the lights and siren buttons on his console, that familiar high pitched wail coming to life as he hit the gas, accelerating to catch up with the fleeing junk-heap. He'd no doubt return to torturing himself mentally right after this traffic stop, but at least it would grant him a temporary reprieve.

The sedan tried to pull further away from Nick's cruiser, but the beaten down car obviously didn't look much better under the hood than it looked on the outside, sputtering pitifully as it plateaued in speed as Nick drew ever closer. He scooped his radio out of its cradle on the dashboard, flicking the loudspeaker on as he did. _"Pull the vehicle the over!"_

The driver must have realized that this was a losing battle. The sputtering, clanging heap of rust pulled up to the curb, rolling to a gentle stop. Not exactly the most exciting pursuit that Nick had been involved in so far with his time at the ZPD, but all in a day's work none the less. He snatched his citation book from its resting spot on Judy's seat, pausing for a moment as he realized just how empty it was without her. Shaking those thoughts from his head, he popped his door open. Duty called.

As Nick carefully climbed down from his seat- the department's cruisers had been designed with far larger mammals in mind –he could see that the driver was getting out as well. He was a zebra by the looks of things, his shirt and slacks clean and perfectly ironed, in contrast with the dilapidated state of his car. Strange. The juxtaposition distracted Nick for just a second before he recalled his training. He shouldn't be getting out…

"Sir! Sir please remain in your vehicle and I'll be with you in a mome-"

KAK. KAKKAK.

The rounds hit Nick's Kevlar vest like a sucker-punch, sending him stumbling backwards. Unable to regain his balance, he lost his footing and careened right onto his ass beside the car, his arms and elbows scraping against the asphalt as the pages of his citation book fluttered over the sidewalk. He tried to breathe, but he couldn't. He suddenly found himself flashing back to slipping down a hill in the park near his house when he was little and falling on his back, getting the wind kicked out of him. It was those same kind of sucking, empty gasps he was taking in now.

Like with so many other things this morning, Nick felt like his brain was two steps behind. He hoisted himself up onto his sore, bleeding arms, seeing the Zebra he had just pulled over, standing in the street, his nostrils flaring and his teeth bared. His eyes looked… wrong. He was on something- what, Nick could only guess. Right now he was preoccupied, as he struggled to rack back the slide on a cheap looking semi-automatic- one of those nickel plated jobs that looked good in the action movies but in practice weren't that reliable. It had jammed after only three shots and-

Wait, shots?

The reality of it all hit Nick with the same force as the bullets had moments earlier.

 _Oh my God, I was just shot at._

 _Oh my_ _ **Fuck**_ _, I was just_ _ **shot.**_ _ **PERIOD.**_

 _ **FUCK FUCK FUCK.**_

Instinct and training took over once again. Reaching up, Nick clawed for the door handle on his cruiser. Lucky for him, today they'd stuck him in a model closer to the ground than one of those huge SUVs. Grasping the handle, he violently flung the Kevlar lined door open, just in time for the striped assailant to unjam his pistol. A new string of shot rang out, and his ears were assaulted by the shrieking pings and dings of metal impacting metal as the bullets slammed against the car door.

Now afforded some degree of cover, Nick scrambled for his holster next, drawing his side arm with one swift motion, despite the stinging pain under his arms and in his battered chest. Bringing the pistol to bear in both paws, he spun around the corner of the door, searching for a target. He didn't know how many civilians were out in the open around here after hearing these shots, but he had to be careful. He couldn't take any chances.

He spotted the Zebra booking it back towards his car, fiddling with his gun while he ran. Jammed again- he must have been packing a real piece of shit. Squeezing the trigger, Nick let off three well aimed shots. But he was just a fraction of a second too late. The speedy equine ducked behind his open car door, mimicking Nick's maneuver, the shots impacting on the jalopy's filthy windows, shattering the dirty, poor quality glass.

With a howl of rage, the gunman reappeared from behind his car, brandishing his pistol one handed as he made a bee-line right towards Nick. Despite his clean-cut appearance, his eyes said it all: high as a kite. He was on something alright. Something strong enough to send him on a murderous rampage against a Police officer. He hadn't gone full 'savage', but he was damn close. Jerking the trigger quickly and sloppily, the Zebra let loose a hail of gunfire as he strode forward with an air of invincibility. Nick started to duck back behind the door as the rounds impacted around him.

Being completely stoned and firing one-handed did not help the gunman's accuracy. Almost all of the shots went wide, ricocheting off the ground, the walls, Nick's car. Nick was lucky, but not lucky enough. One of the poorly-aimed rounds managed to ring true. A searing pain suddenly drove itself into the left side of his neck, a paw immediately clutching the wound as he cried out in pain.

Gritting his teeth, Nick knew he didn't have time to worry about that now. He was in full-on survival mode at this point, adrenaline coursing through his veins, dulling the pain for the time being. His ears twitched as he noticed the gunfire had finally stopped. He had an opening. He needed to take it now. He threw his aching body upright, bringing his pistol up to bear in a single paw as the other remained clasped against his neck.

As Nick stood up and left the temporary haven of his car door, the world seemed to crawl to a standstill. He could see his attacker standing there, struggling with his weapon again in slow motion. The Zebra had emptied his handgun at this point, but had failed to realize it, still squeezing the trigger and racking the slide, thinking it was jammed again. Nick didn't know if the gunman had another clip on him, or even knew how to reload at all, but he wasn't taking that chance. Biting his lips to stave off the pain, he lifted his gun arm while keeping his other hand clasped to his neck, and squeezed again.

The three well aimed-potshots he let off would have made his instructor back at the academy proud. The first two impacted center of mass, sending the Zebra stumbling back a few steps, crimson holes appearing in his crisp polo shirt. The third shot would have earned Nick an award at a department shooting competition. It drove home right between the Zebra's eyes, which immediately went wide with surprise as the back of his head exploded in a viscera of blood and gore, spraying all over the street behind him. He was already dead, but the gunman's body hadn't quite gotten the message yet, stumbling back a few more steps before completely seizing up, collapsing backwards against his car door.

It was over.

Nick stood there, his gun still raised, his hand starting to shake. The whole exchange had taken less than a minute- maybe 45 seconds at the very most. And now he had a dead suspect and a gunshot wound. And all from what had appeared to be a routine traffic stop.

And he had thought he'd seen everything as a street hustler.

Nick advanced cautiously, lowering his gun arm, but still keeping it partially raised, his opposite paw still clutching his wounded neck. As he got closer to the suspect, it became blatantly obvious he wasn't getting back up anytime soon. What was left of his- limited –brains were splattered all over the pavement and the car door.

A morbid smile grew on Nick's face. The corpse had fallen in an awkward position, right against where the car door met the vehicle's body. Slumped against the hinges, the shooter's arms had hooked behind the car door and against the windshield. The result was, his body was still partially standing up, with that final, surprised expression still plastered over his face. He wanted to laugh, but after taking the shots in his vest and neck, he had a hunch that would be incredibly painful. He bit his tongue for now.

The black comedy scene laid beforehand had nearly made Nick forgotten he was injured at all. He was promptly reminded as he spun around to head back to his cruiser, and the entire world seemed to spin with him.

"Woah- wooooah!"

Nick froze in place blinked rapidly, trying to get everything back into focus. It suddenly occurred to him how lightheaded he felt. And how hot and wet and sticky his neck felt under his paw. He tried to walk further, but just ended up stumbling drunkenly forward, slamming against the hood of his car.

With a groan, Nick pushed himself back up with both paws, struggling again to focus. While he couldn't make out much, he could see that the fuzzy shape that was presumably his left paw was a lot more red than he remembered it.

That, and it was smearing something dark red all over the hood of his car.

"Shiiiiiit"

Nick groaned in annoyance more than anything else. How much blood had he lost already? How badly was he hit? He groped around his shoulder with his clean paw- his uniform was soaked all the way through. When he pulled the paw away, now it too was stained red all over.

"Shitshitshiiiiiit. Figures the one shot that hack would actually land…" Nick growled under his breath.

Feeling his way along the side of the car, holding on for dear life, Nick tried to make his way to the radio. His legs were rapidly feeling weaker and weaker, having trouble supporting his weight- which felt like it was doubling every few seconds. He practically threw himself into the driver's seat, landing on his stomach, forgetting that was right where he had taken the rounds in his vest. He cried out in agony, desperately grasping for the radio handset.

He'd just gotten a hold of it, when his tight, blood soaked grip made it pop right out of his grip. With a frustrated groan, he made a second attempt for it, now dangling from its cord just out of reach, swinging back and forth like a taunting pendulum.

"Oh come ON! Get back here you little shit!" Nick growled. He was surprised at how weak his voice now sounded.

It took a gargantuan effort, but he made a final grab for the handset, and was greeted with the feeling of blood slicked plastic filling his paw. With his remaining strength he forced down the call button.

"11-99" Nick croaked, calling out the universal code for an officer in distress. "11-99! Of-officer down. Officer..." He swallowed heavily, struggling to finish his sentence. "...d-Down."

He was greeted with total silence. Not even static. For a few horrifying moments, Nick thought maybe he hadn't transmitted.

The blaring, two-tone alarm that shrieked out of his radio next jolted him out of his melancholy, followed by the crisp, calm, but concerned voice of the dispatcher.

"All units, 11-99. Repeating, 11-99."

"What's his 20?" Another unit immediately piped in. No doubt half the cops in this district were turning up their radio volume now. An officer down call was enough to make any cop's blue blood run cold.

"I got him at Valaeo and the 21st, half a block south of the cross street."

"Dispatch, mark 236 as responding."

Nick sighed contently. That was the nice thing about being a cop. Having people watching your back. He felt so relieved. Calm too- oddly calm even.

"477, this is dispatch. We have units en route. Report your status."

Nick didn't comprehend that the call was directed at him. Was he Unit 477? Should he be saying something? He couldn't remember his own unit number. He was having a hard time thinking in general right now. He just wanted to rest. To close his eyes for a few moments.

"477, dispatch. Report your status." The strain was starting to tell in the dispatcher's voice. "477, come in. 477 do you read?"

Nick did seem to recall that you were supposed to try and stay awake when you were hurt this badly. But he just couldn't. He just felt so tired. He couldn't even summon the energy to cover his neck wound back up with his paws, which were leaving bloody prints all over the upholstery. What was the point anyway? How much blood could he have left to lose? He must have bled out, at least, half of the blood in the world at this point. Yeah, that seemed right. That was logical.

Nick's eyelids drooped. Just for a moment. Just for a few moments. They'd be there soon. He'd be fine. He just needed to rest. The world was going dark around him. Sirens wailed in the distance, but it sounded like they were getting farther away than closer.

"You know..." Nick whispered to no-one-in-particular in a sing-song tone. "...I think I might love that Judy Hopps."

That was the last coherent thought Nick would remember having.


	3. A bit of a problem

"I'm putting you in for a commendation."

Nick groaned weakly, rolling his eyes. "Chief, no."

"Non-negotiable." Chief Bogo was pacing back and forth at the foot of Nick's hospital bed, his hooves clasped behind his back. "I'm putting in the paperwork once I'm back at the office. I want to make sure you get recognized for this."

"Recognized for what? For getting my ass handed to me by some drugged-addled psychopath?" Nick tried to lean up to get his point across more effectively, but fell right back onto the sheets. He was still too weak. The pain in his gut from where his vest took the rounds didn't help either; nor did the morphine drip they had him on.

The doctor had said Nick was extremely lucky to be alive. The one bullet of the zebra gunman's that'd manage to hit home that just barely nicked his jugular. If it had been a fraction of a millimeter more to the right, it would have completely severed the vein and he would have bled out long before backup had arrived. Thanks to that stroke of luck, he'd only 'very nearly' bled out completely before backup arrived.

How reassuring doctors could be.

As for the rest of the rounds, his vest had kept those from turning his heart, lungs, and assorted other vital organs into ground chuck- for the trade off of some bruises that were a hell of a lot nastier than any of the ones Nick had gotten in playground scuffles after school. But, at the end of the day, he was alive. That was what mattered, apparently.

So why didn't he feel more excited about that?

"You're being recognized…" Bogo countered, "…for taking down a violent, armed suspect, on your own; without any civilian causalities or collateral damage, and after having been severely wounded yourself." He crossed his arms over his chest. "I don't know if I've grown out of touch after this many years on the job, Wilde, but I'm pretty sure that still merits some degree of recognition."

Nick sighed wearily, slumping further down into the bed, turning to the right, away from Bogo. It was the only direction he could turn, given the massive bandage on the left side of his neck. "Chief, all I did was save my own hide. I've been doin' that since long before I was a cop. I don't deserve a medal for it. Just give me a 'thumbs up' and a cookie and we'll call it square, eh? I don't want a big to-do over me. It's just not necessary."

Bogo just huffed- you could practically see the steam in the air. "Wilde, this is uncharacteristically modest of you…" Bogo stepped around the side of the bed, staring intensely at the fox. Nick just squirmed. With Bogo on his right, he couldn't turn back the other way of that damn bandage. He was trapped. Every moment that this conversation drew on was just making him more and more agitated.

"I don't seem to recall you having any problems with being named valedictorian of your class at the police academy." A pause. "Or any of the recognition that came with helping your eventual-partner crack open the biggest conspiracy this city has ever seen…"

"Yeah, so what?" The iciness with how Nick had delivered that response surprised him. This was all started to grate on him.

Bogo leaned in closer. "So what's going on? Is there something I need to know about with all this?"

"It's. Nothing." Nick grunted tersely. Why wouldn't he just let it go? That big stubborn slab of beef. "I just don't want to be recognized for this. It isn't worth the attention. I was shot at. I made it. Just stick down a 'get well card' on the table and we can move on with our lives."

Bogo wasn't relenting now. His brow was furrowing and his eyes narrowing as he studied Nick closely. The fox was obviously uncomfortable. The room felt like it was suddenly a hundred degrees and his heart was beating like a jazz drum in a Sahara Square nightclub. He was breathing faster and heavier. He felt like he was ready for a fight. Like-

-like he had after those first rounds were fired.

"Wilde…" Bogo moved ever close. "…talk to me. What's this really about?" His voice was still typically gruff as ever, but more and more concern was ebbing into it.

Nick growled, frustration rising further within him. Despite the weakness of his body, the fire was evident in his eyes as he glared up at Bogo. "Of all the times you choose to actually care, why now, huh? Now when I just want you to let it go. I already told you, 'I didn't do anything special.' I don't deserve a commendation. End of story. That's it. Why can't you just _drop it_?!"

The outburst took Bogo by surprise- almost as much as it did Nick. It almost felt like he wasn't even in control of his own body; like he was watching through an out of body experience. It was surreal.

"Wilde, you're starting to worry me now. That isn't easy to do…" Bogo's ears twitched. "…Come on Wilde, it's just you and me. What's _really_ going on here?"

Nick's could feel his fight or flight instincts queued up but he had no place to run and no strength to fight with. He was trapped like a wild animal. He clutched at the sheets, avoiding eye contact with the Chief as he muttered something under his breath.

"Wilde, speak up-"

"I said 'I SHOULD BE DEAD!'" Nick finally snapped.

Four of five seconds of awkward silence fell over the hospital room. Neither mammal said a word, until Nick could contain himself no longer, a day's worth of bottled up emotions spilling out of him.

"I… I've been replaying the whole thing over and over again in my head ever since I woke back up. Hell, I was replaying it all in my dreams when they had me under for the surgery. I was already distracted when I got out of the car, and I was too slow to react when the guy started getting out, let alone when he pulled out that piece. I was stunned and panicked when the first shots hit my vest and I jumped the gun when I returned fire and missed an opportunity to drop the guy right then and there. Then I was too slow _again_ ducking back into cover and got this fine little how-do-you-do…" he gestured to his neck wound for emphasis. "Then, after I finally take the guy out, what do I do? I stand there like an idiot gawkin' at his stupid body while I'm losing blood by the liter. Then I just barely managed to crawl back to my car and spend like, a fuckin' eternity just trying to get a hold of my radio to call for help before I pass out there like an idiot…"

Nick slammed his first against the mattress, actually getting Bogo to flinch in surprise. "Dammit Chief! I did everything wrong! I did practically everything I was trained and told to do completely wrong or too late! I screwed up! I screwed up so fuckin' bad. We're just lucky it happened when there was barely anyone on the street or I probably would have gotten them killed! I made every mistake in the book, and the only reason I'm laying here right now isn't because of any great skill or cunning on my part. It was just because of dumb, stupid luck! That's all! I should be dead! I _should_ be dead!" Nick pounded the mattress again and again to emphasize each word. "I. SHOULD. BE. DEAD!"

Despite being the one saying it, those last few words took a moment to fully sink in inside Nick's head. Slowly, gradually, his expression softened as it started to hit him. He should have died. He repeated it inside his head. He should have died. He hadn't fully considered it until now. Something had been bothering him since the moment he'd come to, hours after the shooting and his surgery. He hadn't been able to pin it down to anything, which had only pissed him off even more. But now…

Bogo just stood there, his face impassive, not saying a word. There wasn't a need for him to say anything yet. He'd seen this before with other officers. Each dealt with it in their own way, but there were always similarities between cases. He'd seen ones that had reacted to it like Nick had. Sometimes, they just needed a push in the right direction to come to terms with it. Then they just had to run their course.

Nick's ears slowly folded back as he looked down at his feet, his voice growing very faint.

"I should be dead."

It was hammering down on him like a hailstorm now. How close he'd come to having it all end; cut to black, that's all folks, pick up your trash on the way out. By all rights, he should be on a slab somewhere with a toe tag on, waiting for an autopsy. It was all coming crashing down now. Tears started to well up in his eyes as it all hit home. He felt like he was about to lose it.

"But, you aren't."

That stopped Nicks thoughts dead in their tracks as he looked up at Bogo in confusion. He simply shrugged as he pulled up a stool, sitting down beside Nick's bed. The stool was comically small compared to Bogo's body- Nick was surprised it could even support him. For a brief moment he wanted to smile at the humor in it all, but he just couldn't muster up the positivity. It was a step in the right direction at least.

"You could have died. But you didn't. That's the first thing you have to understand. You're not dead, and you're going to make a full recovery. So, that's that. Nothing more to it. The second thing you have to understand is this…"

Bogo leaned forward, resting his bulky arms on the edge of Nick's bed, his expression tough, but sincere. "There are very few times in a cop's career, when the thing that saves their life _isn't_ dumb, stupid luck; even when they do everything the 'right way.' And let me tell you, there are very, very, _very_ few times that everything goes the 'right way.'"

That actually did get a chuckle out of Nick. A short, quiet one- but a chuckle none the least. "Doesn't sound all that different from my old job. Guess some things are universal, eh?"

"I think if you want any sort of future at the ZPD, Wilde, the less I know about your prior career experience the better." Bogo allowed himself a small smile as he leaned back against the wall. "Listen: let yourself feel like garbage for a while. It's only natural. Even if you did manage to do everything the 'right way'- which is damn near impossible –you'd still feel like garbage. Your brain has been thrown for a loop trying to comprehend all of this. Cut yourself a little slack- no, in your case, a _lot_ of slack. Ok? It's alright to feel down for a bit after this. It's normal."

Nick let out a long, drawn out sigh. After that conversation, it was somewhat cathartic, but he still felt like shit. Well, that was what Bogo was just talking about, right?

"I'll try, skipper. Really. It's just hard to see the other end of the tunnel right now, you know? All I can see is everything I did wrong." Nick pulled the sheets closer around his body. "…Judy wouldn't have gotten smacked like I did, that's for sure…"

"Ahhhh, now we get to the heart of the matter, don't we?"

Nick turned to his superior with a wistful expression on his face. "I got overconfident, boss. Everything I learned about being a cop, I learned from her; and she's the best there is. When she called in sick, I said I could handle it without her no problem, because I thought after this long I was finally on her level. And what happens? Barely an hour into my shift, I…" Nick shook his head, more tears clouding his vision. "She wouldn't have let this happen if she was in my shoes. I let her down. I let her down big time."

"Wilde, believe me…" Bogo placed a large, friendly hoof on Nick's shoulder. "That couldn't be farther than the truth. She pinned your badge on you for God's sake, you know how proud she is of you. And I've watched you become one hell of a cop since you started here. You are good at your job Wilde. Don't let anyone- including your own brain –try to tell you any different."

"Heh…" Nick wiped the tears from his eyes, a smile of his own finally returning to his face. "Thanks Chief."

"Mmm. It goes without saying that what I just said never leaves this room."

"Of course, boss."

"Can't have the troops thinking I give a toss."

"Understood, Big Kahuana."

"I mean it. I swear to God you tell anyone the praise I just gave you I will put you right back into this bed. You get me, Wilde?"

"Crystal clear, sir."

"Good." Bogo had scarcely started standing up when his phone began to buzz. He pulled it out with an annoyed grunt. "Probably the new Mayor's office, asking if he can present your medal personally."

"The Mayor? Oh God, Chief nooooooooo…" Nick grabbed one of his pillows, pulling it over his head. "I will take the commendation if you just keep the Mayor away. He just wants the fox vooooote…"

"We all have to take one for the team sometimes Wilde." Bogo was heading out into the hallway to take the call, but stopped in the open doorway, smirking back at the fox. "In your case, I guess two."

"Ha!" Nick clutched his torso, wincing. He'd laughed just a little too hard- but it wasn't every day that the Chief actually made a funny. "Good one, chief."

With a final, coy wink, Bogo shut the door behind him. Once again, Nick Wilde was alone. With his thoughts.

Which had gotten him into this mess in the first place.

Great.

After rearranging his messed-up pillows, Nick flopped backwards, staring up at the depressingly bland taupe ceiling of the hospital. With a resigned sigh, his thoughts turned back to the last ones he had before he had pulled over that Zebra.

"...Ok, where were we?"

 _Do you love Judy Hopps?_

Nick's brow furrowed. "Wow. Really? We're just gonna dive right into sucker of a question, eh?"

 _I think the biggest problem here is that you haven't just dived right into it. You've been dancing around it for who knows how long._

"Dammit brain, aren't you supposed to be on _my_ side?"

 _I_ _ **am**_ _on your side, doofus. That's why I'm trying to get you to just get this over with. It'll be like ripping off a bandage in one rip rather than drawing it out._

"Cute analogy. L-look. I would totally sleep with her, I'm attracted to her, I admit that! But to say I'm suddenly in love with her because of her telling me about her bunny horniness keepin' her away from work is just- just asinine!"

 _I'm not saying that the call suddenly made you in love with her. And by the way, having an argument with your own brain isn't asinine as well? You realize you're talking to an empty room right now, right?_

Nick scoffed. "I can just blame it on the morphine if anyone finds me. Hell, it probably _is_ the morphine."

 _You just got it all figured out, don't you? All except how you feel about Judy…_

"I know how I feel about Judy! She's my best friend, ok? I've never had a friend like her. She believed in me when no one else would. She got me out of a shitty life into a job where I feel like I make a difference. She puts up with my snarkiness and my bad jokes and all my emotional baggage way beyond someone should have to. She's the best friend I'll ever have! See? There. Simple."

 _Ok. Makes sense._

"Damn right it does."

 _I mean, best friends_ _ **never**_ _fall in love with one another…_

Blink. "You know you're a real asshole."

 _I'm_ _ **you**_ _sweetheart._ _ **You're**_ _the asshole. The asshole who hasn't put the pieces together all this time because either a.) You've been completely oblivious or b.) You haven't wanted to see them._

"You're a real piece of-"

 _Shut up and think for a moment. We both know you're not oblivious. You haven't lasted this long without being observant and you wouldn't have survived this morning if you weren't either._ _So, that leaves only one of those two choices: you haven't wanted to see it. Now you have to ask yourself: why_ _ **haven't**_ _you wanted to see these pieces falling into place?_

Nick's jaw was clenched in agitation now. "She's my best friend…"

 _So you told me…_

"The best I've ever had…"

 _We've been over this…_

"I don't want to screw it up **goddammit!** "

Nick suddenly realized he was screaming. He paused for a moment; waiting for a nurse to rush in, wondering what the hell was going on. When none came, he slowly eased himself back down into the bed.

"…I don't want to screw it up. What if she doesn't feel the same way? Then I've poisoned the well for good! She doesn't want to create unrealistic expectations or hurt me any further, starts worrying if she's sending off the wrong signals, knowing how I feel about her. More and more she starts to distance herself from me, thinking it's for my own good- and also because it makes her feel uncomfortable being around me now. And before I know it, she's out of my life completely. Or worse, she just freaks out right from the beginning and cuts me out immediately. All because I blew the call and confessed my feelings when she totally didn't have the same ones for me."

 _And what, pray tell, 'feelings' are these exactly? Hmm?_

Silence.

 _Say it._

More silence.

 _I want to hear you say it. Say it now._

Nick's mouth suddenly felt very dry.

 _I'm not going to shut up until you say it._

Very, _very_ dry.

 _Sayitsayitsayitsayitsayitsayitsay-_

"I love her."

 _Love whooooo?_

"Judy" Nick growled in frustration.

 _I can't hear you-_

"I'm in love with Judy Hopps!"

 _And you had that hissy fit to Bogo about how you 'should have died' becauuuuuse?:_

"Because… because what kind of decorated, hero cop is going to love a fuck-up who can't even get through a traffic stop without being put in the ICU…" Nick didn't notice the new tears forming.

 _It would have made things so much easier wouldn't it have? At least if you'd died, you wouldn't have to worry about all of these stupid feelings and trying to figure out how to deal with them, right?_

"R-right."

 _But that's not what you want, is it?_

"N-n-no."

 _That's right. That's the exact opposite of what you want. And that's what hit home after your big rant; after you realized just how close to kicking the bucket you came._

 _You're scared._

 _You're terrified that you're going to die without ever having told her that you're in love with her._

 _That almost happened today, and now you're agonizing because of it. Because even if you had died today, if you had taken a chance months ago and told her you loved her and found out she loved you back, you'd at least gotten a few months of bliss before you punched your ticket. Am I on the ball now?_

"Yessssssss…" The tears were flowing freely now, dampening Nick's furry cheeks.

 _But you're also terrified of telling her that you love her, because you're afraid she won't love you back and you'll lose her friendship because you made it weird._

"FUCKING _YES, OK?! YES!_."

Nick's paws flew to his face, covering it as he began to softly sob. He'd been holding back tears of one kind or another all day, but this was too much. For five minutes, he just cried his eyes out, blindly groping for a box of tissues resting on his bedside table, pulling it into the bed with him, hugging it close like a treasured stuff animal. For those five minutes, his adversarial brain left him in peace, before making one final statement:

 _Buddy…_ It began in a softer, almost pitying tone. … _you got a bit of problem, don't you?_

Nick blew his nose into a tissue, loudly, before tossing the crumpled up mess at a nearby garbage can.

He missed.

"Boy…" he whispered . "…don't I know it."


	4. Where is she?

"You're _sure_ I can't get you anything?"

Nick closed his eyes for a few moments, resisting the urge to sigh, groan, or make any kind of noise of displeasure. "I'm fine."

"Really, it's no bother."

"Honestly, I don't need anything right now. I'm good." Nick rapped his fingers against the mattress, starting to think over possible escape routes. How fast could he get away from her with an IV hooked up to him? Not that far probably. And if he tried to unhook them, she'd notice. Stupid pipes and tubes and shit.

"Because it wouldn't be any problem at all to-"

"Maaaaaaa…" Nick couldn't take it anymore, burying his head in his paws. If he couldn't escape, maybe he could smother himself with his own pillow? Or bribe one of the nurses to do it when his Mom had to go to bathroom. Do they have to take those oaths like doctors? Eh, enough cash would see to that.

"Nick, I just want to help, that's all."

Nick couldn't look at his mother when she was like this, because he wouldn't be able to stay annoyed at her. He knew the face she'd be wearing. It was that same barely concealed look of worry she'd had on since she'd arrived. Well, she'd had it on since after she'd clung onto him like he was a newborn kit and sobbed herself hoarse. Now she was trying to act like everything was a-ok, doing her best to hide that she was still worried sick about her baby boy- and failing.

A small smile grew on Nick's face, as he considered how much he really had in common with his mother- though he'd never admit it to her face-to-face. Not in a million years. She'd never let him live it down. Bah, she probably knew anyway. Moms always knew.

"Ma, you are helping. You're helping just by being here." He reached out to rest his paw on hers, giving it a light squeeze. He wasn't lying there. As frustrated as he could get with her at times, ever since he was little, she was such a sweet woman. She'd put up with so many of his 'shenanigans' over the years, even when he was at his worst. Sure, there had been disagreements and arguments, but she'd never stopped loving and caring for him. It had been worth on graduation day from the ZPD Academy to see her watching in the crowd, finally getting to see her baby make something of himself.

A smile of her own graced Mrs. Wilde's graying muzzle as looked down at her son affectionately. "So, you're really fine then. Really?"

"Yes, really."

Ok, that one actually was a lie, but telling her otherwise was not going to help anything right now.

Oh sure, physically Nick was going to be just fine. The doctor had been more than happy to report that he'd make a full recovery, and Chief Bogo had been quick to reassure him that his old job would be waiting for him after a full medical leave of absence. But his mind was still reeling from the internal revelations of the last few days. His realization that he may be in love with his partner was quickly followed up by the least helpful of statements: ok, now what?

After the eventful argument with his brain, Nick had been dreading seeing Judy again. He'd gone over multiple 'game plans' for how he would try to keep himself together when interacting with her and had rehearsed them ad naseum in his brain. It wasn't like he had a whole lot else to do. None of the scenarios he went over in his head were _not_ pleasant. The best option he could come back to was just not to say anything at all and just keep everything under his hat. But how was he supposed to go on being Judy's partner after figuring out how exactly he felt about her? It was a choice between telling her and taking the massive risk of losing her friendship forever, or to keep his mouth shut for the rest of his life and slowly die a little inside every day. Not an easy one.

But so far, he'd been spared having to make that Hobson's Choice by the simple fact that Judy hadn't come to see him yet.

As a matter of fact, he hadn't heard from her at all.

That fact only served as _more_ torture however. Where the hell was she? Other than Chief Bogo, he'd had to meet with a handful of other officers from the ZPD regarding the shooting. None of them had mentioned anything about his partner, nor had any of the nurses, doctors, or even his mother. He was completely out of the loop. Did Judy even know yet? Did she care? Why wasn't she here? So many other times when he had been in even a hint of danger, Judy had come running. It was tearing Nick up inside. If only you could just pump yourself full of drugs to deal with _this_ pain…

…Well, you could actually. You absolutely could. But-

No. No. Don't let your brain go there Nick. Do _not_ let your brain go there. That is _not_ a healthy thought.

Letting his guard down for just a split second, Nick couldn't hide the wistfulness in his eyes before his mother swooped down on him, maternal instinct raging. There was no hiding from the 'mom radar.'

"Nick, are you sure-"

"Maaaaaaaaa…" Nick started to reach for his pillow, and the sweet release of death, when a knock came at the door, a nurse poking her head in.

"Officer Wilde? You have a visitor here to see you."

Nick immediately perked up, sitting bolt upright in his bed. _Judy?_

"Surprise surprise!"

Just about barreling over the poor nurse in the process, the familiar, chubby form of Benjamin Clawhauser shoved his way through the door, juggling a bouquet of flowers, a gift basket and a bundle of 'get well soon balloons' in his paws. "I come bearing gifts from your adoring co-workers! And- oh..."

Clawhauser stopped in his tracks the moment he spotted Nick's mom beside him. "...Oh, I'm sorry Nick! I didn't know you had company already."

"It's fine Clawhauser, it's fine." Nick beckoned the overweight feline further, managing to hide his disappointment, turning to his confused looking mother. "Ma, this is Benji Clawhauser. He's the desk officer at work. Clawhauser, this is my mom-"

Clawhauser took in a sharp breath as he clambered to set down his heavy load of gifts someplace other than all over the floor, immediately darting over to Mrs. Wilde. "You're Nick's mother? It's such a pleasure to meet you! Well, I can see where he gets his grace and charm from very clearly now!"

"Ohhh!" Mrs. Wilde flushed bright red under her cheek fur, waving a paw dismissively as she giggled like a schoolgirl. "Oh hush now, you. Hush!"

"Oh no, no, no! I wouldn't dream of it! You are absolutely gorgeous." Taking her paw in his, Clawhauser gave it a polite kiss. "And such a sweet woman, coming to look after her poor, wounded son. You truly are an inspiration. So touching. So brave. This is the type of thing made-for-TV-movies are based on…"

Nick could only sit back and watch it unfold, and that was just fine by him. It definitely was amusing to watch, and at least it took his mother's attention off of him for a few precious moments. Clawhauser did like to ham it up with his ladies flattery routine, but he probably could tell Nick needed a break from 'quality family time' the moment he laid eyes on the fox- Nick would have to thank him for that later. He'd been glad his mother had dropped by to see him, really he had, but he also didn't want to have visitors hanging around him 24/7, crowding around him, asking if he was 'ok' or if he 'needed anything' every 30 seconds. He just wanted to be alone with his thoughts right now.

Well, no. That wasn't completely accurate. What Nick wanted much more than being alone was to be with Judy. But that still hadn't happened. In lieu of that, he just wanted everyone to leave him alone. That, and find out where that rabbit was at the very least, if he couldn't see her.

 _Click._

Suddenly, a solution presented itself. Gears started turning in Nick's head as he formulated a plan, gingerly clearing his throat to pull Clawhauser out of his middle-aged-lady suckup routine, drawing attention his way. Showtime, Slick Nick.

"Uh, Mom…" Nick waited for his mother to turn his way before putting on a sheepish, tired expression. "Now that I think about it, I think I might be a little hungry…" Nick kept his voice low and a little weak. God bless his Mom, she could be real easy to hustle sometimes. Just like back in school. "Do you think you could grab me a soup and sandwich or somethin' from the cafeteria?"

"Oh, oh of course sweetheart! Anything you need!" Mrs. Wilde turned to Clawhauser, lowering her voice to a whisper- but still loud enough that Nick could clearly hear her, of course. "I knew he needed _something_. A mother just knows these things. It's instinct- you can't hide anything important from a mother. You understand, don't you Benji dear?"

"Oh, absolutely Mrs. Wilde!" Clawhauser nodded enthusiastically, his double chin rippling from the motion. "Mother knows best! I always listen to _everything_ my mom says. Ever since I was just a teeny, tiny little kitten." He pinched his claws together for emphasis.

Nick felt like his eyes might roll all the way back into his head. Now the cheetah was laying it on a tad thick, but that was just Clawhauser's style at the end of the day.

Mrs. Wilde pinched one of Clawhauser's generous cheeks as she got to her feet. "Good boy. Now, if you'll excuse me…" Carefully she maneuvered her way around the feline's hefty bulk, glancing over her shoulder as she reached the door. "Does it matter what the soup or sandwich is, or-"

"Anything will do Mom, really. I'm just starving. I trust you." Nick smiled warmly at her. It was a genuine one. He didn't like having to trick her like this, but he needed her out of the room before he could proceed with his plan. He just didn't want to make her any more concerned than she already was.

With one last motherly smile, the door shut behind Mrs. Wilde. Nick let out a sigh of relief, but Clawhauser was still gushing.

"She is just too sweeeeeeet!" He squealed like a tween girl. "I never would have thought you'd have such an amazingly sweet mother, you know, with how you are most of the time."

"...Wait, what the hell is that supposed to mean? I-" Nick shook his head. No, not the time now Nick. Focus. You have priorities. "Nevermind. Look, Clawhauser, have you heard from Carrots?"

"…Carrots?"

"Carrots. Hopps. Judy. The Bunny. You know: MY PARTNER." Nick's frustration was obviously rising. Clawhauser recoiled a little in surprise at the fox's temper.

"Hopps? No. No, I haven't talked to her since she called in sick yesterday."

Nick blinked. "Really?" Now that was strange. She and Clawhauser talked a lot. He didn't even know? "You didn't talk to her at all since I was shot?"

"No! She hasn't been in since before she called in sick. Chief Bogo called her personally after we found out about you and he gave her a few days off- its standard procedure when someone's partner gets injured in the line of duty." Clawhauser narrowed his eyes. "Haven't you talked to her yet yourself?"

"They took my phone when I got checked in. Haven't given it back to me yet…" Nick suddenly felt so listless again, flopping down into the bed. Clawhauser looked puzzled.

"Well, didn't she tell you in person when she came to see you? Where is she anyway? Is she in the bathroom room or someth-"

The expression on Nick's face made Clawhauser's words catch in his throat. It was somewhere between enraged and crestfallen. As the fox turned his head away from him, he tried to stammer his way through backtracking his cataclysmic answer.

"Well I- she, she d-did call in sick after all. I mean, Hopps hardly ever calls in sick! It must be pretty bad. Otherwise, she would have been here the moment she knew something had happened to you! She must just be hugging the toilet or something right now. Yeah. Yeah that's it. You know she'd be here otherwise. Absolutely. She'd be here. You know that. R-right Nick?"

A nervous chuckle punctuated the end of Clawhauser's explanation. But Nick had tuned Clawhauser out after a few words in to his ramble. He could put money on the fact that, despite how close Judy was with the cat, she hadn't told him the _real_ reason why she'd called in sick the other day. If she were actually ill, yes, he'd understand why she wouldn't be here. But, even still…

No. You know what, Judy would be here even if she was puking her intestines out. She'd be here even if she was on the verge of death. This was Judy Hopps they were talking about. Judy Fuckin' Hopps. Clawhauser was trying to make him feel better, earnestly, and Nick understood that. He didn't hold it against the cheetah. But he was wrong. Judy would have been here even if she was _really_ sick. And if she was still in bad 'heat' and had to fight the urge to hump every male she walked past on the street making her way to the hospital, she still would have come in to visit him and make sure he was ok. The Judy Hopps he knew was always there for him, just like he was always there for her. That had been the way they did things since they first became partners. Since the first case they solved together, when he was just some two-bit street hustler.

So, where was she then? Nick knew she could overcome any physical limitations to get to what she wanted- that's how she'd managed to become a cop and get this far in her career. So why wasn't she here with him? What was wrong? What was going on? There had to be more to this. But what?!

"…and this is a coupon for one free massage at that health spa in Tundratown with all the little arctic foxes. Fangmeyer swears by the place, so this was his contribution. He felt it might be 'beneficial to your recovery'." Clawhauser shrugged. "I couldn't tell if he meant it or if he was talking about a 'happy ending' but I guess you can find out yourself."

"Huh?"

Clawhauser did a double take. "Uh, I- I was just talking about the get-well-soon gift basket we all put together for you back at the precinct." He rummaged through the basket a little, shrugging. "I think that's about everything..."

 _Jesus, how long was I inside my own brain for? How long has he been talking?_

"I- sorry. Sorry Clawhauser, I just- I'm still feeling a little out of it, ya know?" Nick nodded towards the IV. "Maybe it's whatever they got me on."

"Hey, no problem. I understand!" Clawhauser grunted as he got to his feet. "Bogo just wanted me to check and make sure you were doing ok, drop off the gifts, all that jazz. But you should rest! Absolutely."

"Yeah. Close my eyes for a few minutes before _she_ gets back." Nick smirked.

Clawhauser clicked his tongue in disappointment, hands on his hips. "Oh hush. You have such a sweet Mom. Don't take that for granted!"

"I'm kiddin' Ben, I'm kiddin'! I just- you know. Having support is fine. I just don't like being suffocated by it, ya know?"

Clawhauser smiled and shook his head as he opened the door to leave. "Yeah yeah Mr. Loner Fox, whatever. I'll probably be back to check on you again since the Chief is acting like he's your dad or something- it's kinda weird to be honest. Just remember you have people who care about you, ok?"

Nick nodded solemnly. "I will. I promise. Thanks for stoppin' by Clawhauser."

"Anytiiiiime" Clawhauser replied with a flourish, the door clicking into place behind him.

And just like that, Nick was alone again. At least for a precious few minutes before Mom got back with the food he wasn't going to eat.

Yes. He had people who cared about him. That was good. It was a good feeling.

But where in the hell was the one he needed the most right now?


	5. Heartbreak

Three days.

 _Three_ goddamn days.

Nick lay in his hospital bed with a sour expression as the nurse changed out his empty IV for a fresh one, humming to herself as she worked, completely oblivious to his obvious bad mood. He just stared at the ceiling, stewing in his own frustration, which was building to astronomical proportions by this point.

How could she not come by for three fucking days?!

 _What the hell Judy?!_

The first day he'd been hurt by her absence, but willing to give her a pass- he didn't know the situation on her end- he didn't know the circumstances. The second day he started to get more and more concerned- maybe something was really wrong? Maybe she hadn't been telling him the truth about why she was calling in sick? Maybe it was something worse than just being in heat? Maybe she was in the hospital too? Or had to go away for some reason.

Now he was just straight up pissed.

After this long, someone had to know something about this- whether it be Judy, or Clawhauser or Bogo or someone else at the department –and they weren't telling him. And if there was one thing Nick didn't like it was being kept in the dark- especially when he was virtually locked up in this damn hospital like it was a prison, and unable to take any action to figure out the truth on his own.

At least, that's probably what those assholes all _thought._ They were about to get a firm lesson in the persistence of Nicholas P. Wilde.

"Alright sugar, you're all set…" The nurse patted Nick's head affectionately before turning to leave. "...You need anything, just hit the call button, ok?" She was already half-way out the door as she was speaking.

"Mmmhm. Sure thing."

Nick didn't move immediately. There was always the chance she might have forgotten something and pop back in right away to grab it. Or suddenly remember five minutes later. As much as he wanted to put his plan into action, he had to wait. Alternatively, wait too long and there was the potential that another nurse might swing by to check on him, or the doctor could pop his head in, depending on how far along or far behind he was on his rounds. He had to play this one by how he felt in his gut. Wait until just the right time.

As the minutes ticked by, and the silence continued, Nick nodded to himself in resolution. Ok, now was as good a time as any. The hustle and bustle outside his room was at a minimum. He glanced over at the clock on the wall- probably about time for a shift change for the nurses too. It was now or never. Kicking off the bed sheets, he officially began Operation: Get the Hell Out of Here.

Stage one was going to be one of the hardest parts, he anticipated. But it was necessary. He glanced down at the IV running into his arm with a grimace. He couldn't very well carry the damn thing with him while making his escape- he was already going to look conspicuous as hell making his way through the city streets in a hospital gown without dragging an IV stand with him. Tentatively he reached down to grab the tube where it fed into his vein, covered up with a bandage, gritting his teeth.

"Alright Nick, you can do this. Nice and easy…"

It didn't hurt, surprisingly. It was an IV with painkillers after all, so those were probably the reason he didn't feel any discomfort. The needle did create an unsettling sensation as he pulled it out.

And out.

And _out._

"God damn how long is this thing?!" Nick's eyes went wide as he continued to pull out the IV, disgust written all over his face. "Ew, ewwww… c'mon, just get out of there already you son of a-." He wanted to look away- it was making him queasy to look at –but not looking when pulling a long needle out of your vein didn't seem like a common-sense thing to do. Neither was disconnecting yourself from hospital equipment and fleeing before you were discharged, but this was all relative.

Finally, it was out. With a sigh of relief, Nick tossed the needle aside, morphine drabbling onto the floor. The hardest part was done. The next part would be easy, but he'd have to be quick. Baring his claws, he reached down over his chest, pulling up the hem of his hospital gown and exposing his torso. There he saw the various probes and monitors stuck to him with medical tape.

Taking a deep breath, Nick collected all the wires in one paw, getting a firm grip on them. Now, this was going to hurt, but only briefly. He wouldn't have time to curse or bitch or moan either- he'd need to be moving on to the next step immediately. Bracing himself, he gave one good strong yank.

Nick winced as the tape ripped off his fuzzy chest, hearing the tearing of his fur. Almost immediately, the life support monitors started to blare their alerts; without any data coming in, they thought he was dead after all. Nick didn't waste any time, swinging his legs over the side of the bed closest to the window. The medical staff would be here any minute after hearing this racket. With a grunt, he hoisted himself up onto his feet.

Nick wavered for a moment, but regained his balance. He'd been taken around for walks by the nurse over the last couple days to get him back on his feet, but he'd still been confined to his bed for the vast majority of the time since he'd been shot. He'd taken a risk, but he knew once he started moving he'd get his bearings back, but he'd have to be very careful for the final step. One wrong step and he'd end up flat on his face.

Well, in the context of the final step, he'd end up flat on his face six stories down.

While modern enough on the inside, the hospital was an old one- the brick and mortar type that went out of style in the 40s and 50s. And it was complete with a good old fashioned fire escape, an entrance to which was located just outside the single window in Nick's private room.

Carefully, but quickly, Nick shuffled over to the window, fumbling to undo the lock as the disconnected life support continued to blare its warning in his sensitive ears. After a few failed tries he finally got it, pulling the heavy wooden window open with a gargantuan grunt. It was good to know his muscles hadn't completely atrophied after a few days being bedridden. With another grunt and a groan, he hoisted himself over the edge onto the landing, feeling rather proud of himself.

"Well that wasn't so bad!"

And then Nick looked down.

"…Ohhhhkay this is a lot farther up than I anticipated" Nick muttered to himself, immediately grabbing on to the nearest railing. Nick wasn't normally afraid of heights, but when your balance is on the blink and you're standing on a small fire escape with nothing but a thin iron grate between you and becoming a red tinted splatter on the ground, any sane person would become afraid of heights immediately. And Nick was quite sane.

"Alright, maybe I don't need to rush this. I probably have a little more time before-"

Nick's ears twitched as his sensitive vulpine hearing picked up something over the blare of the hospital equipment- the sound of approaching footsteps and shouting the hallway beyond his room's door.

"Ok, never mind. Need to go now, now, now!"

Nick took off in an instant, any thoughts about his safety pushed aside by his eagerness to get the hell out of this medical prison. Holding on to the railings for dear life, his scrambled down the stairwell as fast as his legs could take him, gradually feeling his bearings and agility return to him as the ground drew closer and closer. Everything was going according to plan. Stopping just before the last step, Nick glanced up, smiling confidently as he saw that no one was following him down yet. Perfect. With a grin and a flourish, he hopped down off the last step to the pavement.

"Look a little underdressed there foxy."

The grin vanished from Nick's face in an instant, his paws scrambling to cover up the back of his hospital gown. Three days of having his ass in a bed had led him to forget the damn things had no back to them. He spun around to confront the mocking voice, fearing for a moment his escape would be over just as soon as it started.

"Ditching out before you have to pay the medical bill eh?" The wino, a skunk, was quite literally drunk as one. Taking a pull from his bottle, he belched unabashedly raising it in salute to Nick from his makeshift shelter next to a dumpster. "I can respect that. Ain't nobody makin' me get no health insurance. Damn Otterbamacare. Communism, that's all it is…"

The bum continued to ramble on, oblivious as Nick awkwardly backed away, turning and breaking into a brisk jog after a few steps. He'd made it. He was free- awkward encounters with the homeless aside. Stage one of his plan was complete now, came stage two:

Finding his goddamn partner.

* * *

"Hopps, you had better have a good fucking explanation, I swear to God…" Nick muttered angrily as he cautiously made his way out of the umpteenth alleyway he'd sneaked through that night, arriving in front of Judy's less-than-impressive apartment building. He paused to rest against a cracked brick wall, rubbing his worn feet, mentally preparing himself for the final stage of his plan.

It had been a hell of a trek to get to this point. Judy lived in a completely different part of town to the hospital. On top of the sheer distance Nick had to travel to get here, he'd been forced to stick to the back alleys and side streets, assuming that the moment Bogo knew he was missing he'd have the local precinct drop a net on the district to try and locate him. This was proven correct, as he'd had to duck back into the shadows on multiple occasions during the trip to avoid the spotlights of passing patrol cars as they combed the backstreets in search of the hospital escapee.

The timing of his plan had accounted for that, though. Despite how he'd be chomping at the bit since this morning, he'd waited until the late evening to put it into action. Nightfall had helped to conceal him, and his natural night vision gave him an advantage as he skulked his way across Zootopia. He'd been in his element as a fox, and it had gotten him where he needed to be.

Now that he was here though, he suddenly found himself having second thoughts. Was he really doing this? Had he really broken out of a hospital to confront his partner about not visiting him? It suddenly hit him how insane and petty this could seem to the casual observer.

With a shake of the head, Nick cleared those thoughts from his mind, his brow furrowing and setting in determination. No. This was different. He and Judy were closer than any other friends they'd each had. She'd always been there for him. There was a reason she never showed up, and he had to know. And he couldn't wait around in the hospital for the doctors and bureaucrats to decide when the time was right. No, he was finding out here and now.

Nick climbed the front stoop, up to the door. Nick had only seen the building from the outside before, picking up Judy for their shift or dropping her off after work. His first instinct was to ring the buzzer for her apartment, but he took one look at the wall of yellowing, frayed labels above the buttons and quickly realized that wasn't going to work. He turned and stared at the door in annoyance. Now what? It wasn't like he could just walk right in. Just out of curiosity, Nick tried the doorknob.

 _Click._

Nevermind. He could just walk right in, apparently. How safe.

"Cheese and rice Hopps, you really do live in a hell hole…" Nick muttered to himself as he quietly shut the door behind him, glancing around the gloomy foyer with its dirty, outdated wallpaper, creaking wooden floors and thick smell of dust and mildew. "…and I thought I had lived in some real crappy places in my time. I'd rather go back to living under that bridge."

Nick tip toed cautiously through the foyer, glancing around for any sign of the tenants. All seemed quiet. He could hear the usual sounds of evening life emanating from some of the ground floor apartments- TV sets, muffled conversations, music, so on so forth. But it all seemed pretty mellow. Ever quiet, he made his way towards the stairs- he didn't even bother looking for an elevator. Even if he found one, he would have bet good money it'd have an 'out of order' sign on the door.

The rickety old stairs creaked even more than the floor. Nick decided it would be better just to move fast instead of trying to pussy foot around, and make his way up to Judy's floor as soon as possible. At this rate, someone was bound to come walking through the halls and spot him, and either scream bloody murder, call the police, or both. And probably throw something at him too. That would be his luck. He needed to get to Judy's and get there fast. Once he was inside there, he'd be safe. And then they could have a serious talk about what her fucking damage was.

Fourth floor. If he remembered correctly, this is where Judy lived. But shit- what was her room number again? Son of a bitch, he knew this! She's mentioned it before! He started making his way down the hall, diving deeper into his brain, trying to remember which of these goddamn rooms his partner lived in. One of them had to ring a bell once he saw it. Which one, which one, which one-

 _ **THERE.**_

Nick halted in front of the door in question, taking a deep breath in through his nose. It once again occurred to him how crazy, totally insane, this plan was. But now there was no turning back. He reached out and rapped his knuckles against the aging wooden door and waited.

Nothing.

Again, he knocked- most insistently this time.

"Hey! Who the fuck's knocking on our door?! We didn't buzz anyone up!"

"What the fuck's wrong with you?! You don't just start cursing at a stranger at your door! It could be the super, or a cop, or some shit like that!"

"Hey, shut up!"

"NO YOU SHUT UP!"

"YOU SHUT UP!"

"YOUUUUUUU SHUT UP!"

Nick didn't even bother with a response, he just started slowly backing up, tail between his legs, as the cursing and shouting from within the- obviously incorrect -apartment, intensified. Well that wasn't right. But Judy's room had to be around here someplace. He recalled her mentioning rowdy neighbors once and-"

"What's going on out here?"

Nick's fur stood on end as he spun around like a top to face where the voice was coming from. He'd backed up in front of the shouting roommates' next-door neighbor. His gaze was met by the shocked face of his partner, looking out through the chained door of her own apartment.

"Nick?"

"Hopps…"

Nick started to smile- he wanted to smile. Deep down inside he was so happy to see her.

Then he remembered why he was here, forcing his expression to sour as he straightened his back.

"Where, the hell, have you been?"

"N-Nick, I- I…" Judy faltered, stuttering over her words, the blood draining from her face beneath her fur. Obviously she had not been expecting this. She had no big speech prepared or script to follow. She had been caught completely unawares and Nick wasn't giving her any opportunity to stop and think.

"Three. Days." Nick took a few steps towards the door, his voice becoming more acidic as his frustration poured over, overshadowing any remaining happiness. "Three days I've been lying there in that bed. I didn't hear a thing from you. Not a damn thing. Practically everyone else from work came by to see me. The Chief, Clawhauser- everyone but my damn partner! You didn't call, you didn't even send a card."

Judy recoiled back, pulling the door a little closer. "Nick, it's not what you think. The reason I didn't- it's not because I- I mean, I didn't come because I don't- I…"

"Don't what, Hopps?" Nick crossed his arms over his chest. "Finish your thought, I'm listening."

Judy breathed in deeply, his paws clutching the door, white-knuckled. "I was going to come and see you, I wanted to come and see you. I swear. You know how much I care about you. I've been so worried about you, I, I…"

"You could have called me. Or texted me. They gave me back my phone the other day. I didn't have a single message on it from you. Everyone else blew my phone up. Not you. And then you didn't even call the hospital. I asked the nurse every day if you'd called. Nothing. No word from you at all. You could have had someone else pass on a message- but no one had even heard from you. Not even Clawhauser. Only the chief had talked to you, to tell you what happened to me. So you've known. But where the hell have you been, Hopps?" Nick shifted his weight from one paw to the other, cocking his hips. "You rabbits sure have a funny way of showing you're worried or that you 'care' about people."

Judy swallowed, her ears twitching. "Nick, I was going to come. I wanted to come…" she started to find her courage. "…but I just, I just couldn't. It was something beyond my control, ok? And then I meant to at least check on you, but- but- everything just got out of hand and before I knew it three days had gone past and then I felt so mortified and embarrassed I didn't know what to do!"

"'Something came up?'" Nick scoffed. "Right. And what exactly was that, hmm?"

Judy's ears slumped down even further. "I… I can't talk about it, ok?"

"Oh, what a surprise." Nick felt like he could taste the bitterness in his own voice.

"Nick, please, trust me. Just know it was something bad and it was big enough to keep me from-"

"That is such a crock of shit!" Nick barked out louder than he expected, making his partner jump on the other side of the door. "I've seen you defy all physical odds to get to something when you were motivated. AND I've seen you fawn over me like my mother when I've gotten a fucking paper cut from the copy machine! And you know I would have done the same for you in a heartbeat- and I have before! What in the fuck could have kept you from coming to see me?! Don't tell me it was that stupid heat bullshit, because there's no way something like that keep you down that hard for that long. So, come clean with me why you didn't show up at the hospital! You owe that to me!"

Judy couldn't answer. She looked away in shame. Nick let out an exasperated sigh, rubbing his throbbing temples. His head felt like it might explode from all the stress. "Just… look, Hopps. I don't have long before they come to drag me back to the hospital. Can I just come in so we can talk about this?"

Judy looked like she might jump out of her pelt, pulling the door closer to her. "I… I… "

"…No."

Nick blinked. "What?"

"Nick you, you can't come in. I'm sorry."

Nick stared at her in disbelief. Then he started to laugh- hollow, forced laughs. "Very funny, Hopps. Ok, I overreacted. I admit it, alright? I'm sorry if I was too harsh. I just- it's been a rough few days and you're my partner and it hurt that you weren't there. Enough that I actually broke out of the hospital to come visit you, alright? I apologize if I was too hard on you. But can I just come in so we can discuss this like adults? Please?" He smiled at her expectantly.

"Nick… y…you can't."

"Hopps, stop playing around, I said I was sorry. What more do you want from me?" The smile was rapidly fading from his face now.

"Nick, it has nothing to do with that. You just- you can't come in right now I'm sorry. I can't let you in."

Nick's jaw went slack. He was dumbfounded. "Hopps I- what the fuck Hopps. I'm standing here in a Goddamn hospital gown. Just let me in already." He took a few steps forward, closing in on the door.

Judy's eyes went wide; she ducked back into her room, slamming the door shut behind it before Nick could do anything to stop her. He grappled the knob instantly, but it was no use. Locked tight. Nick stood, frozen in place, shocked into paralysis, the echo of the slam still bouncing around inside his head. It took ten full seconds before he felt like he could move again.

"Judy? Heh, heh. Judy this- this isn't funny now Judy. What the hell?" What was happening? Why was this happening? First she wouldn't visit him, now this? "Why won't you let me in? What's going on? Judy!"

"Nick, I just can't let you in. That's all I can say…" Judy's muffled voice replied from the other side of the door, heavy with regret. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry about everything. But I can't let you in. I just can't."

"Hopps, don't give me that. You owe me more than that!" Nick knocked against the door a few times. "Hopps, c'mon Hopps. Judy. C'mon partner. Hopps? Carrots? Open the door! CARROTS!"

No response.

Nick pressed his head against the doorway, his ears twitching as he tried to pick up any sort of sound from within. He could just barely pick up the hint of Judy whispering. Why was she whispering?

 _Click._

"…Hopps, is there someone else in there with you?"

"NO!" The response came immediately, almost too quickly for Nick's taste. "Nick, no. That's not it."

"What's not it?" Nick narrowed his eyes, staring at the door as if he stared at it hard enough it'd melt down in front of him. "What am I supposed to think is going on in there if there's someone in there?"

It all started to flood back into his brain- the whole reason Judy had called in sick three days ago to begin with. Her 'female problems.' He'd never entertained seriously for a second those would actually keep her from coming to see him. But he'd seemed to forgotten they'd been bad enough to keep her out of work, and she was dedicated to her job more than any other officer he'd seen. At the same time, he'd seen her work with far worse conditions- mental or physical –and manage to get by. So was it really so bad she had to call in, or was there another reason behind it all?

Unless…

"Hopps, do you have a fucking guy in there?!"

No answer.

"…Is that what this is all about? Is this _actually_ about your fucking _heat_?!" His fists started to shake with rage. "That's really why you haven't come to see me?! Have you been trying to fuck your heat away for three days and forgot I even _**existed**_?! Is that it?! Who the hell is in there with you?!"

"No!" Judy almost screamed the word out on the other side of the door. "Nick, no! Absolutely not! That's not it! I swear to you that's not it!"

"Then open the door! Prove to me that's not the case!" Nick took a step back and waited.

Finally, a response. But not the one Nick had hoped for

"…I just called Bogo. They're sending a car to pick you up now."

"WHAT?!"

"Nick, you need to be back in the hospital, it's for your own good."

"WHAT THE FUCK WOULD YOU KNOW ABOUT MY OWN GOOD?! OR CARE?! YOU DIDN'T COME TO SEE YOUR OWN FUCKING PARTNER AFTER HE WAS FUCKING SHOT!" Nick was screaming at the top of his lungs now, beet red with anger, tinting the white areas of his fur. "I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK IS FOR MY OWN GOOD, THAN I'M BETTER OFF BACK ON MY FUCKING OWN WHERE AT LEAST I KNOW I'LL BE LOOKING OUT FOR MYSELF AND NOT RELYING ON SOME FAIR-WEATHER-FUCKING-COTTONTAIL TO BE MY GUARDIAN ANGEL!"

"Hey!" One of the two voices from the apartment next door called out. "Hopps! Get that Fox friend of yours to shut the hell-"

"I SWEAR TO GOD IF ONE OF YOU FUCKING GOOBERS SAYS ONE MORE WORD I WILL BREAK DOWN THAT DOOR AND I WILL FUCKING MURDER BOTH OF YOU WITH MY OWN HANDS, WHOEVER YOU ARE!"

Nick's outburst shut up the neighbors pretty quickly- and probably had everyone else on the floor locking their doors if they weren't already. Nick put his face in his hands; he was shaking with emotion. He eased down onto his knees in front of the door.

"Judy, I'm- I'm sorry. I didn't mean any of that. I didn't I was just angry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to say those things. Please, please open the door. I'm begging you. I'm literally on my knees here. Please, Judy. Please. Let me in."

Nothing.

Nick's head slumped forward against the door. His hoarse voice was almost a whisper now. "Judy, please. Please. I'm sorry. Just tell me why. Why? Did I do something wrong? Did I fuck up? What did I do? Just- just tell me what I did wrong." Suddenly he was eight years old again, in that dark school basement, begging to know what he'd done to deserve this.

Still nothing.

Nick felt had no energy left. He just couldn't go on. He collapsed to the floor, staring blankly at the door as he lay on his side. In the distance, he could hear the sound of sirens approaching. He recalled laying limp on the seat of his patrol car, covered in blood, as he heard them approach just a few days ago. At least this time he wasn't bleeding out, though with how his heart had been wrenched in half, he might as well been.

Feeling absolutely helpless and hopeless, Nick shut his eyes, as he waited for the police to arrive, laying in silence. A tear streaked down his cheek as he lay in silence.

All the while, he didn't notice the muffled sounds of choked sobs on the other side of Judy's door.


	6. Big Fat Guy Tears

"Alright. Almost out of here Nick. Soooooo you gonna say something now?"

Nick's reply was only silence, slumped down in the wheelchair as Clawhauser slowly pushed him down the corridor, Nick's Mom walking beside him, looking as concerned as ever. He hadn't said so much as two words since they found him outside of Judy's apartment- and that had been four days ago.

The only words he'd ushered since then had been a 'no' when they tried to put him in the wheelchair. He knew he could walk- he walked all the way across town that fateful day. But apparently it was hospital policy for him to leave in a wheelchair, and Bogo had sent Clawhauser to make sure he didn't break any more hospital rules than he already had.

Nick's Mom just sighed as the silence continued. She opened her mouth to start to say something, but reconsidered, shaking her head. She'd been trying for the last few days to try and get her son to explain what happened- as had Bogo and Clawhauser and the doctors and nurses- they'd even kept him a few days longer than they should had out of concern. None of it was any use. It pained Nick to see his Mom like this, but he just couldn't talk about it. Not to her- not to anyone. Not yet. He wouldn't tell anyone anything about what happened outside Judy's apartment four days earlier.

And Neither had Judy, apparently. In his efforts to try and get Nick to speak, Clawhauser had let slip that not even Chief Bogo had been able to get her on the phone since the incident. Her only communication with the department was that she was cashing in all of her available vacation time- effectively immediately. That had been the morning right after Nick's little excursion.

After hearing that, Nick had gone from saying barely anything to saying absolutely nothing for an entire day. They'd practically had to force feed him to keep him eating.

Clawhauser stopped by the nurse's station, taking the clipboard from the waiting nurse, filling out the last of Nick's paperwork as she gave the fox and incredulous look. They'd been keeping a very watchful eye on him ever since his breakout- they were probably glad to be rid of him. No problem- Nick had already proven to them once before that he was no fan of staying in this place.

In the lull of activity, Nick's Mom knelt down beside him. He immediately looked away- he just couldn't look her in the eye right now. After four days, the pain of what had happened with Judy hadn't dissipated one bit. It hurt just as much as it did as when he was curled up beside her door. And the worst part was, he still didn't understand why and it just amplified the pain exponentially. Add not being able to talk to anyone about it on top of it all, and he just felt like death. He tensed and braced himself for yet another plea from his mother to open up to him.

"Nick, sweetie. Whatever happened- I know you may not want to talk about it now…" she spoke softly. "…and that's ok. But, if and when you do want to talk about it, just know that I'll always be there to listen and I'll do whatever I can to help you. Ok?"

Nick winced. God damn did she know how the twist the screws when she wanted to. He almost smiled as he realized how many of his hustling skills were modify personality traits he got from his mother. OF course, he'd put them towards a different end. Feeling her paw rest on his, he finally turned to look at her. Well, at least she wasn't pestering him trying to get him to say anything about that night.

"OK, Mom…"

She smiled, squeezing his paw as she got to her feet. Seeing her smile made him just a bit better. Not much, but something. As Clawhauser finished the last of the paperwork, the doctor made his way over, taking the clipboard from the feline as he gave Nick a final up and down and a nod.

"Well Officer Wilde, you certainly kept us on your toes during your stay here. Suppose you're just eager to get back on the job…" He rummaged around in the pocket of his white coat as he spoke. "I'm going to advise you take at least another week or two off to recover fully before you head back to work though. Your wounds are healing nicely but too much movement or stress are bound to aggravate them. Plus, emotionally, the entire experience can be draining. I've prescribed you some of these, just in case…"

Producing a small vial of pills from his pocket, he held them out for Nick, who hesitated briefly before accepting them, staring at the orange tinted container in his paw. "If the pain gets too bad, just take them as directed and it should help out- but make sure not to go over the maximum dosage per day, alright? If you keep taking it easy though, you'll be back on your feet in no time. You should-"

The doctor went on for another minute or two. But the only thing that was ringing in Nick's head was _just take them if the pain gets too bad._ That thought stuck with him through the doctor's entire bombardment of medical advice…

 _Just take them if the pain gets too bad._

"…Ok."

Nick straightened himself up as he stood in front of Judy's door. She wasn't avoiding him this time. He was finding out what was going on with her if it killed him. His jaw set in determination, he pounded his fist against the door.

"Judy! I'm back! I'm tired of this bullshit! We're clearing the air between us right now! What's going on?!"

No response.

"I'm not leaving until I find out what the fuck your damage is, Hopps!" Nick bellowed, louder, his words feeling like they were echoing inside his skull. He pounded again, the door shaking from the violence of his insistent knocking. "I swear to God, if you don't let me in, I'm breaking the door down! One way or another, we're talking!

Still nothing. Nick's ears folded back, a guttural growl rumbling in his chest. "Alright! I wasn't kidding! I'm not picking up the tab for this Judy! Here I come!"

Taking a few steps backwards, the clicking of his claws against the hardwood floor even seemed to echo. Everything seemed to echo, like the world had this hollow, empty quality to it. But he wasn't focused on that. Taking a deep breath, Nick let out his best war cry as he bounded forward in a bull rush towards the door, throwing his shoulder into it with all his might.

It shattered. It didn't just break, or snap, or crack. It shattered.

And It shattered instantly, into what seemed like thousands of little pieces, as the world around Nick started to slow down.

Something was wrong.

In slow motion, he felt himself falling forward, a cloud of broken shards of wood around him, appearing to twinkle like stars, as the momentum carried his body forward. He looked down towards where he expected the floor to be, to try and brace himself for the inevitable crash.

There was no floor. There was no anything beyond the door. Just darkness. Endless, black, darkness.

Something was very, _very_ wrong.

He kept falling forward, nothing breaking his fall as he plummeted into the abyss, tumbling over his head, spinning around and around, head over heels. He opened up his mouth to scream. It felt like it was at the top of his lungs- straining his vocal chords. But no sound came out.

His body seemed to spin faster and faster, the darkness growing ever dimmer, any sort of light rapidly fading away. He could barely see his own body as he tumbled in the purgatory around him, his screams and calls for help erased from existence the moment they passed his lips, the silence accentuating the darkness. He started to call out for every name he could think of, for anyone to come and help him.

Only one word finally managed to ring in his ears as he screamed it as loud as his hoarse voice could manage.

"JUDY!"

 _THUMP THUMP THUMP._

Nick's eyes shot open, completely awake instantly, torn from the nightmare abyss. His heart was beating so fast it felt like his chest might rupture open. His sheets were clutched tightly in his claws that the fabric was almost about to tear apart. He was honestly surprised that he hadn't somehow woken up from his own screaming- his throat felt so sore that he may have actually been screaming. Hopefully no one had called the cops thinking there was a murder going on in his apartment.

 _THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP._

"Ugh. Hold on- hold on!" Nick's hoarse voice cracked as he called out to the disembodied thumping, swinging his feet over the side of the bed. He felt awful. Not as much in his wounds, which had been healing well despite everything else. But he felt a deeper pain that he couldn't quite place. It was draining, demoralizing pain that struck him to the core.

Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted the orange pill bottle that had been by his side since he had gotten home. He'd taken a few already after first getting back to his apartment.

 _Just take them if the pain gets too bad._

Nick grabbed the bottle, dumping a pair of pills from the already partly empty bottle into the palm of his paw, snatching up the glass of stale water on his bedside table and gulping them down in short order.

 _THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP!_

"Alright- ALRIGHT GODDAMMIT!" Nick screamed, finally stumbling out of bed into a pair of shorts, hastily pulling them up around his waist and then grabbing a ZPD t-shirt to throw over his head.

"Oh thank God, I wasn't gonna last much longer…" Clawhauser gasped as he stumbled through the door the moment Nick opened it- nearly toppling over from the weight of the large package he was carrying. "…this…this is surprisingly heavy. Where can I put it down?" His eyes were pleading, his chubby legs wobbling below his rotund figure.

Nick could only sigh, nodding to the left. "Kitchen. That way."

Clawhauser was making a beeline for the nearest strong surface before Nick had even finished speaking. He set down the package with a massive thump, letting out a gasp of relief. The poor, chubby cat looked about ready to keel over from the exertion.

"Thank you- thank you…" Clawhauser was breathless, doubled over as he tried to recover.

"What the hell is in there anyway?" Nick raised an eyebrow. The lumpy gift was surrounded by tinfoil and had looked enormous even when held up against Clawhauser's full-figured physique.

"Oh! Right, of course!" Suddenly back to normal, Clawhauser spun around, tearing open the tin foil. "Frankie made cupcakes the other day for a little party we threw at work and we had a couple left over, so I decided to bring them back to you. I know nothing improves _my_ mood quite like a sweet treat!"

Nick blinked. "…A couple?"

"Yeah. Two." Clawhauser stepped aside, revealing two of the biggest cupcakes that Nick had ever seen before. "I didn' t know if you preferred chocolate or vanilla so I grabbed one of each just in case."

"…someone needs to explain to Francine that Elephant cupcakes are really just _cakes_ to everyone else."

"Pffft- are you kidding? Are you actually telling us to say something that will get us _less_ cake?"

Nick leaned against the wall, finally managing to smile. "I think if there's anyone here who needs less cake, Clawhauser…"

"Oh shush you…" Clawhauser waved a paw dismissively at Nick as he turned around to fuss with the cakes. He froze in place, however- a delayed reaction, before spinning around with a grin on his face. "Hey! You're saying more than two words! This is good, this is an improvement!"

Nick blinked. "Huh. Yeah. Yeah I guess I am." He did feel a little less dead inside- for the moment. Those pills obviously had helped him some over the last couple days. He realized he was taking a little bit more than the doctor had instructed him, but they helped him pull himself together when he really needed it. But he could handle them, right?

Right?

Of course he could, who was he kidding?

"I'm glad- you were starting to freak me out with your silent treatment when you were in the hospital. Chief Bogo too- and he is not easy to freak out!" Clawhauser pulled up a chair at the table, patting an empty one and motioning for Nick to join him. "We've all been worried about you, Wilde."

"I'm, fine, really" Nick managed to lie without his pants spontaneously combusting. He reluctantly sat down next to Clawhauser, who didn't seem all that convinced by his 'cunning deception.'

"Well that's not the impression we've gotten. And now we gotta worry about your better half too…"

Nick's ears twitched. "…what the hell does that mean."

Clawhauser let out a deep sigh, seeming to mentally prepare himself. "Judy finally came back into work this morning. First thing she did was put the paperwork on my desk for a transfer."

Nick felt like a knife had just been stuck in his gut. It must have shown on his face, because Clawhauser visibly winced in reaction.

"I tried to ask her what happened, but she wouldn't say anything to me about it. She said she couldn't. It was like the same thing with you all over again- barely saying two words to anyone. Bogo is way on edge because of it all- everyone is super antsy. You can feel the tension. The whole station is going to hell…"

Nick was only half listening. The reality of it all was still settling in for him. Not even the pills could suppress his pain. His worst fears were happening and he hadn't even said the thing to her that he thought would trigger it. And it was all happening so fast. It was like being bystander to a train wreck.

A paw suddenly rested on Nick's shoulder, causing him to flinch. Clawhauser scooted his chair closer to Nick. "Nick, I know everyone has been badgering you about this, but I really need to know. What happened at Judy's apartment? After what happened that night, you're looking and acting like a complete wreck, your partner and one of our best officers is requesting a transfer out to the middle of nowhere and the Chief is about to have a nervous breakdown because of it all- which is not good for anyone. So please- please. I'm begging you. Tell me what happened. You guys are my friends too."

There was a pregnant pause, as Nick lowered his gaze to the floor, contemplating what had become of his life in the past week. Finally, he spoke, his voice week and hopeless. "Just between us, ok?"

"Of course, I promise. I know I can be a gossip- I know that –but I swear to you on my honor a police officer and as President of the Gazelle Fan Club- Local 272 –that I will keep everything you tell me in confidence! I swear!"

"Alright, alright. But, listen: there's some backstory involved before I can jump right to that night at Judy's, so this could take a while…" Nick rubbed his palms together, not sure where to start. "…what I'm about to tell you, I've never told anyone else before. Ever. It's always just been inside my head, and I've been petrified of anyone ever finding out about it, but now it just feels like there's no point in keeping it to myself with everything that's happened. I-"

"Oh my God, are you Gay?!"

"WHAT?!"

"Because if you are, I have like, a whole procedure for this! I've been through a lot of these. Oh my God, I can't believe I never noticed before. I always thought there was no way. I would have brought my 'coming out of the closet' preparedness kit with me! I think I may have a smaller emergency one in the car if you give me a moment to-"

"Clawhauser…"

"Crap! I have a whole support group I could have texted to-"

"CLAWHAUSER. I'M NOT GAY. THE ENTIRE SOURCE OF MY PROBLEM STEMS FROM ME NOT BEING GAY. OK?!"

A pause. "…Not that there's anything wrong with that."

"Oh. Ohhhh. Whew…" Clawhauser slumped down in his chair, deflated. "I'm- I'm actually a little relieved there. N-Not that I wouldn't have supported you totally in your new lifestyle but, I'm just so glad my gaydar isn't on the fritz and you are straight. I was having a real crisis of confidence there."

Nick's brow furrowed in annoyance. "Great, Clawhauser. I'm glad your gaydar is still 100% operational. Now uh, can we get back to my problem that you've been begging me to open up to you about?"

"Oh- oh shit! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" He scooted closer still. "Ok, go on. I'm listening, I'm listening!"

"…ok." Nick took a deep breath. "The root, of everything that's going on now, is that I'm… I'm in love with Judy." He hung his head further, the words feeling less liberating than he ever thought they would be. "I'm in love with her." Nick rested his head in his hands.

It had been about ten seconds before Nick realized Clawhauser hadn't said anything. He straightened himself back up and turned to face the cheetah-

-whose face was frozen in an expression of unadulterated joy, tears welling up in his eyes.

Nick sighed yet again- he knew he was going to be doing a lot of that today. "Clawhauser-"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

Nick's jaw clenched as the insanely high note Clawhauser produced made his teeth vibrate. "Ow! Clawhauser-"

"I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT I KNEW IT I KNEW IT."

"Oh Christ, Clawhauser-"

"I knew it from the first moment I saw you two together as partners! They way you looked at her! How stupid overprotective you'd get of her all the time! Oh my gosh, it's just all so ADORABLE!"

"Clawhauser, please. For the love of-"

"This is too much, I'm gonna cry. Oh my God I'm gonna-"

"CLAWHAUSER!"

Nick's voice was going to be even sorer by the end of the day if he kept having to reel the cat in like that. Looking rather sheepish Clawhauser cleared his throat, bringing himself back under control. "Sooo you love Judy. I mean, isn't that a good thing?"

Nick's expression seemed to answer that question. Clawhauser's spirits began to sink. "…unless-"

"Unless she doesn't feel the same way about me."

"Oh God…" Clawhauser's hopes had immediately been crushed- this was fast becoming an emotional roller coaster for him. "…so, you told her and she turned you down? Is that what happened that night?"

"No, no I haven't told her. But there's no way I can tell her now and I can safely say there's no way she could feel the same way about me now either." Nick's voice had taken on a sudden bitterness- like he was resigned to his fate and was trying to accept it.

"Then what really-"

"I'm getting there, ok, I'm getting there!" Nick snapped.

The moment Clawhauser recoiled like a kicked puppy Nick, stuck his head back in his hands. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry Clawhauser. I didn't mean that. I'm not mad at you. This whole thing just has me feeling screwed up in every way possible. I don't mean to take it out on you..."

"It's ok Nick, it's ok." Clawhauser returned his paw to its resting place on Nick's shoulder. "Just keep talking, and I'll keep listening."

"Ok. Ok…" Another deep breath and Nick continued telling his tale. "The day I was shot- the day Judy called in sick. The reason she called in, she told me, is because she was having bunny issues." He turned to Clawhauser, who just had the same look of confusion Nick had had that morning. "…female bunny issues. You know? I told her it was no problem, joked a little with her about it. And, I dunno, by the end it started feeling more like flirting than joking. And it stuck with me the rest of the morning. It made me start to really think about my attraction to her- which I used to think was just physical. You know? A harmless little sexual fantasy about a co-worker. I started getting really in depth in my head about what my feelings were about her; really analyzing it in my head. And then-"

"-and then that's when you had to make that traffic stop."

"Yeah." Nick's knee was jiggling nervously now. "Yeah, that's when 'that' happened…"

Clawhauser squeezed Nick's shoulder again. He just smiled. "I'm ok, Clawhauser. Really. At this point, that's honestly been the easiest thing to deal with compared to the rest of this. Not that it was a cakewalk still, but- well. You know."

"Yeah. Yeah I know." Clawhauser smiled back encouragingly. "So, you got laid up in the hospital. Probably had a lot more time to think about Judy then, eh?"

"Yup, you're 100% right." Nick was starting to feel more confident explaining the whole saga now, sitting up straighter, though still looking down, his paws folded in his lap." That's when I first came to terms with the fact that I loved her- this is all really pretty new, even though it's been back in my head for the longest time. So then I was thinking: what the hell do I do now? I was thinking about what I was going to do next time I see her. Do I take a chance and tell her and risk her abandoning me as a friend to avoid the awkwardness? Do I not tell her and just live in agony for years and years and wonder what could have been? I had no idea what I was going to do. But then-"

Nick's voice caught in his throat.

"She never came. She never came to see me."

"…that's why you broke out of the hospital that night." Clawhauser was rewarded by a feeble nod of Nick's head, up and down.

"Heh. I'm surprised that wasn't obvious to people."

Clawhauser shrugged. "Well, I figured that was one reason but I needed to gather the facts first. So, you broke out to confront Judy for not coming to see you. You must have felt really pissed."

"Pissed. Abandoned. Confused. You name it, I was 'it' right then and there." Nick scoffed at himself. "Made it to her place in no time flat- despite Bogo's best efforts to round me back up." That managed to get Nick to smirk, but it quickly lapsed as he got further to the end of his tale. "I went straight up to her apartment. And- And-"

Nick looked like he was deflating in front of Clawhauser's eyes, slowly slumping further down in his chair, his voice lowered to a barely audible whisper.

"She wouldn't let me in."

Clawhauser said nothing, just listening intently, knowing Nick would continue when he was ready. Gathering himself together, the fox summoned the energy to go on.

"I'd… I'd never seen her like this. She wouldn't let me inside, wouldn't tell me why she couldn't. I got- I got hostile, I got angry. In my head I was convinced it was because she had a guy in there or something. I dunno, maybe it was the drugs and where my head was at- part of me still thinks it's true. She swore up and down that wasn't it but that she still couldn't tell me why. I try to force my way in, and she slammed the door. Judy, slammed the door, right in my face. Judy of all people! I thought it was some kind of sick joke or something. I kept banging on the door, yelling at her to let me in. And then I just-"

Nick had practically melted onto the floor by this point. "…I just started begging." It was only then he noticed the warm feeling of tears streaming down his face, dampening his fur. He quickly reached up to wipe them away, sniffing back any potential sobs. "All she told me after that was that she had called Bogo to get you guys to collect me and take me back. And that was the last thing I had heard from her. And now, now I don't know what to do! I can't very well talk to her about how I felt now; at least that's how it seems. I just don't know what to do…" He turned to the cat, hoping he would have some kind of insight he hadn't thought of. "Clawhauser, what the hell am I supposed to-"

Clawhauser was frozen in place, his lib wobbling, his eyes wide, as streams of tears that made Nick's sniveling look microscopic by comparison streaming down his face.

"Oh, God. Clawhauser, please no-"

Clawhauser began to whimper.

"Clawhauser- Benji! I'm serious! I need you to keep it together here. Yeah, its sad shit but I need you to get a hold yourself! Listen to me!" He grabbed the cat by the shoulders, shaking him violently. "What do I do now?! The whole point of me spilling me guts to you was to get you to help me! I have no idea what to do now other than just keep wallowing in this hell hole! Every day things are getting worse! Help me! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HELP ME!"

That seemed to shock the cheetah back to coherency. Shaking his head rapidly, his expression hardened into one of determination. "Yes…YES! You're right, you're right. I'm here to help Nick, I'm here to help!"

"Great! So now what!"

"…can I borrow a towel?"

Blink. "…You are _killing_ me here Clawhauser."

"Niiiick I'm covered in big fat guy tears! Can you just get me a towel, and then we'll plan out how to fix your life. Please?"

Nick groaned all the way to the bathroom, to the towel rack, and back, flopping back down in his seat as he passed Clawhauser a towel and began to stare at him intensely until he had finished drying off his tear stained face.

"Can we get back to me and how my life is shit now, hmmm?"

"Hush, you're gonna be fine." Clawahauser tossed the towel at Nick, flopping over his head. "I'm telling you, this has to be a big misunderstanding of some kind. I've known Judy longer than you-"

"Clawhauser you've known her half a day longer than me- not even that, like, a quarter of a day! Like four fucking hours!"

"Those four hours make a difference! Look, trust me. I will find out what Judy's issue is. I know you two are besties, and I respect that, but she and I have a unique bond. Like, a brother and sister thing."

Nick scoffed but said nothing. He felt too tired to argue or sass back. Dealing with Clawhauser could be exhausting. "Fine, you have a unique bond. Whatever. And you're going to somehow use that to find out why she hates me?"

"First of all: she doesn't hate you. No way. I can say that with confidence without even knowing the facts. And second of all: darn tootin' I am!"

Clawhauser leapt to his feet far faster than a cat of his girth should have been able to. "Relax Nick! Officer Benjamin Clawhauser is on the case! And before you know it, the case of the 'Fucked up Friendship' will be solved and all will be right with the world!"

Nick smirked. "I am just glowing with confidence, Benji. Glowing."

"Hush. I have work to do." Clawhauser scurried towards the door. "Just keep on focusing on getting better and hang in there- it may take me a few days, but so help me I'll break through to Judy and get her to spill her guts. After all, I got you to let me in here after you'd been such a moody little-"

"Clawhauser-"

"Leaving!" Clawhauser opened the door, glancing back over his shoulder once last time with an encouraging look. "I mean it Nick, hang in there. Do whatever you have to, but hang in there."

And with that, he was gone. Nick sat alone at his dining room table, his apartment once again deathly silent.

 _Hang in there. Do what you have to, but hang in there._

The fox rose to his feet, heading back to his bedroom, the solitude of his sheets and mattress. He could at least count on those to support him through all this.

That and the contents of the orange pill bottle on his bedside table.


	7. Collision Course

Nick was hardly surprised. He'd been expecting this. He did feel a tad bit more disappointed than the thought he would be- he must have been holding out a bit more hope that Clawhauser would figure things that he thought he had.

But still, hardly surprised.

"Don't beat yourself up over it Clawhauser." Nick flopped back down onto his bed as he tried to soothe the feline over the phone. "You tried. I appreciate it. I really do."

"Nick, I'm not giving up. I know I can get through to her- get her to open up…" Clawhauser's voice was desperate- pleading almost. He was obviously trying to keep Nick from giving up more than anything else. "It's just gonna take a little more time. I've never seen her like this before. She won't give me anywhere to even try and get a foothold. She's barely talking to anyone at the station. Not me, not Bogo, not anyone!"

"We don't really have much more time, do we champ? You can't stall that transfer paperwork of hers forever." Nick sighed quietly. "You can keep trying I guess, but I'm not holding out for a miracle. She doesn't want anything to do with me anymore, Benji. I just need to accept that. I had a good thing going and I screwed it up somehow. All I can do is try and move on and figure out what it was so I don't ruin a good thing again." He snorted a joyless laugh- as if something as good as Judy Hopps would ever happen to him again.

"No! Nick, I don't believe that. Not for one minute. I'm telling you, it's gotta be some sort of huge misunderstanding- a miscommunication. I will figure it out, I swear to you. One way or another. Just let me keep trying."

"Well, I can't stop you buddy. You go right ahead. I don't hold out much hope. But, I do appreciate everything you've tried to do- don't think I don't." Nick meant that sincerely. He was lucky to have a friend like Clawhauser. Maybe with a friend like that, he might eventually feel like more than a pathetic sack of shit some day. Remember what it was like to feel normal and happy. Maybe.

But he doubted that too.

Before Clawhauser could plead with him again, Nick decided to make a graceful exit. "Listen, I gotta go Benji. Try not to sidetrack yourself from work too much with all this ok? Bye buddy."

With a muted beep he hung up, tossing the cellphone aside on his bed, staring up at his ceiling in silence. He focused in on a discolored brown spot- some water damage from his upstairs neighbors the super had yet to get around to fixing. He stared at it impassively, trying to force his brain into action. Now what? What was he supposed to do now? For how defeatist he felt, he still felt lost. He felt cheated. By admitting defeat, he should at least have had an easier way finding where to go from here. But he still felt like he was adrift in the void; completely rudderless, not knowing what to do or where to go.

Nick sighed again, heavier this time, with a hint of dread in his voice. There was only one person he could talk to when things were like this. And it was a double edged sword. Someone who he knew would listen to him and support him unconditionally, but probably would also tell him what he didn't want to hear- even if it was what he needed to hear.

But, as much as he feared it, that was what he needed right now.

Reluctantly, he pawed around the sheets for his cell phone- without tearing his sight off the discolored spot. He brought the phone up in front of his muzzle, sighing yet again, as he navigated through his contacts, finding the one he was looking for. After a few seconds of hesitation, he finally took the plunge, tapping the call button and bringing the cell up to his ear, his heart starting to beat faster in anticipation. "Well, here we go…"

 _Ring-ring. Ring-ring. Ring-_

"Hello?"

"Hi Mom, it's Nick."

"Nicky! I was wondering when I'd hear from you. I know you've been sending those 'text messages' now and again, but I hadn't heard your voice since you got out of the hospital. It's just nice to actually 'hear' you once in a while and-"

"Mom-" Nick cut off his mother mid sentence, closing his eyes tight. "Mom, sorry to interrupt. But, I- I have a problem. I don't know what to do. I don't know who else to go to."

There was a pregnant pause on the other end of the line. Nick heard some indistinct clinking and clanking in the background- maybe she'd been cleaning or doing the dishes or something. A few seconds later, her voice returned, concern pouring out of it. "What's wrong?"

"It's- it's Judy, Mom." Nick could feel the tears starting to well up in his eyes, struggling to control himself. "I've screwed it all up. She won't talk to me. Won't see me. Won't…" He started to choke up, taking a moment to try and maintain what composure he had.

"Why? Nicky, baby, what happened?..."

"I don't know! I- she never came to see me in the hospital. And I- that's why I broke out that night. I was so pissed at her, I had to know why. And when I got to her place, she wouldn't let me in. She was all evasive and reserved and would barely say anything and when I tried to force my way in she locked the door, called Bogo on me and that was the last time she said anything to me! I just- it's like she knew already. It's everything I was afraid of…"

"What were you afraid of? What would she know that you think would make her stop talking to you like this?"

It was all pouring out of Nick now. He was shuddering as he mustered the strength to go on, but saying those words out loud, to her of all people, took so much effort. "Because, I- I-"

"Nicky?.."

"I love her Mom. I've loved her for a long time. And not just as a friend and partner, but I've been in love with her. It took me getting shot to finally realize it fully, but I was already starting to come around. And then I was petrified that if I told her, she wouldn't feel the same way. That'd she'd push me away and not want to be around me anymore and then I'd screw up the best friendship I'd ever had because I got greedy and wanted more and completely cocked it up. But now I haven't even told her and she's pushing me away. It's like she could read my mind and tell I'd figured it out and was pre-emotively cutting off her ties. She's even putting in for a transfer! She won't talk to anyone about it, not even Clawhauser or the Chief! So now I'm fucked and I didn't even do anything! I just- I- what do I do? What do I do?!"

Nick was gasping for breath after his diatribe, tears now streaming down his face, but without heavy sobs. There was a moment of silence on the other line, then:

"Nicky, baby. I want you to take a deep breath, alright? Just take a deep breath and hold it for a bit and then take another. Okay? Just do that, and I'll be right here when you're ready to go on."

Nick didn't have the energy to argue or protest. Rather shakily, he took a deep, ragged breath, holding it for a handful of seconds, and letting it go. Then another. It wasn't the magic cure to all his anxieties but it at least helped calm him down a bit.

"Nicky, are you still there?"

"Y-yeah Mom, I'm here." Nick rubbed his eyes, now red and bleary from the crying.

"Honey, it's gonna be okay. I know you may not believe me right now, but it's gonna be okay."

Nick took another breath, rubbing his temples as he did it. She was right; he didn't believe, or at least his brain didn't. But in a weird way, it was still comforting.

"I wish you'd come over to tell me this, at least then I could give you a big hug."

"Heh, yeah. Well, the bigger the problem the harder you tend to hug, Mom. And I wanted to keep breathing, you know?"

That got a small giggle out of Mrs. Wilde. "Well, you haven't completely lost your sense of humor, so you can't be that far gone sweetie." It was her turn to take a deep breath. "Well, do you want to know what I think?"

A grimace from Nick. "I'm not going to like this, am I?"

"Only partly I think. And only because it's what you probably already know."

"Eh, fair enough." Fluffing up his pillow behind him, Nick flopped back down onto the bed, awaiting his fate. "Ok, Ma. Lay it on me. I'm ready."

"Right. Well, first of all, as much as you may be trying to convince yourself otherwise, Judy is does _not_ have ESP. So she can't read your mind. So I'm going to put a fair amount of faith in the idea she hasn't found out how you feel about her if you haven't told her. At least, she doesn't know for sure even if she may have an inkling of it."

"Alright, that's... fair, I guess." Nick fidgeted, still anxious about what may come next.

"Second, just as she can't read your mind, you can't read hers. You don't know what's going on in her mind, in her life. I'm not saying that excuses her not from not coming to see you when you were in the hospital- I thought that was odd too, believe me. But from what I know about Judy, it doesn't seem like the kind of decision she makes lightly, or on a whim, for a petty reason. As for what happened at her apartment, well. I can't explain that. Only that whatever it is that kept her from coming to see you must have been very personal, very embarrassing, very private. And it was still going on when you arrived to see her like that. Especially so if she's requesting a transfer to another station. But that's all conjecture by me. I just don't know."

"Ok." Nick was practically shaking now. He knew what the last one could from the way his Mom was setting it up. He just knew it.

"Finally, the only way you're going to know for sure what is going on, is for you to try to talk to her again. Face to face. Not to be hostile, not to be demanding, to just ask her as calmly and politely as you can what is wrong and what is going on, as her friend."

Nick sank down into her pillows. "I knew somehow I was going to be cornered into acting like an adult. I just knew it."

"Well sweetie, you wouldn't have called me if you didn't need me to kick your ass in the right direction, wouldn't you?"

"Heh. Touche', mother." Nick sighed heavily, pulling the sheets close around him. "Well what- what if she just doesn't speak to me at all. What if she's just done with me."

There's only a moment's hesitation before Nick's Mom responded. "Nicky, I tell you with all my heart, I don't think that will happen. I honestly think that somehow, some way, this is all a huge misunderstanding. A lot of times things like this between friends are from stupid miscommunications that are no one's fault in particular. But if for some arbitrary reason, she has decided you're not good enough to be her friend anymore, all you can do is walk away saying you did all you possibly could and just let time heal your wounds."

"Heh, funny. Clawhauser thinks it might be all one big miscommunication too."

"Well, Clawhauser is a clever young boy. And such a charming one too..."

Nick snorted. "I hate to break it to you Mom, but uh, I don't think you're his type. Not that you aren't an amazing woman and all, but, you know..."

"Hush you." Nick couldn't see his Mom, but he could practically hear the wry smile on her face.

"And all that stuff about moving on if I've done all I can. Heh, that's pretty much what I told Clawhauser what I'd have to do if all else failed..."

"Well, like I told you hun, sometimes you just gotta talk these things out with me to convince yourself of what you already know you have to do."

"Yeah." Nick chewed on his lip as he mulled over what his Mom had just dropped on him. "...yeah" he repeated with a bit more confidence. "I guess that really is all I can do then." Having his options narrowed and reinforced at least made him feel less aimless- though not any less anxious. Not by a long shot.

"I'm not saying it's going to be fun, but, it's pretty much all you can do kiddo. That, or just stay locked up in your apartment and let it all slip away. At least this way, you can say you put in the effort, and it was nothing on your part. But again, I really don't think it'll be that way. I've seen the way she looks at you."

"Ma..."

"No, really. I wouldn't be surprised if she feels the same way you do Nicky."

Nick snorted. "Then she has a damn funny way of showing it, doesn't she?"

"Yes. Locked up in her apartment, barely talking to anyone, surprisingly distant and surly towards her friends and loved ones. Doesn't sound like anyone else you know lately, right?"

Nick blinked. "...ouch, Mom. Ouch."

"Sorry kiddo, but, am I wrong? Am I?"

That gave Nick pause. "Well, thanks for letting me pick your mind on this one Ma," he started to wrap up, dodging the question completely. "I guess I should probably plan out my last ditch option here then. Find a way to get a hold of her."

"Nicky, maybe I should come over-"

"No Ma, really, I'm ok. I'm gonna be ok." For the first time in days, Nick at least somewhat believed himself saying that. He swung his legs over the bed, getting to his feet.

"Well, whatever you end up doing, come and see me afterwards ok? I just wanna see your face, see that your really ok. Promise you'll do that?"

"I promise Ma, I really do. I gotta go now, ok?"

"Ok Nicky. Love you."

"Love you too Ma."

 _Click._

Nick dropped the phone onto the bed, sprawling out and staring back up at the ceiling. He could keep on laying here, wasting away physically and mentally...

...or he could finally take control of his life again and sort this all out once and for all.

He was willing to do the latter, but he just didn't have the strength.

...Well, he did have something to help with that, didn't he?

He casually reached over to the nightstand, feeling around for the cylindrical bottle and grabbing hold of it. He gave it a few shakes.

No rattle.

 _Uh oh._

He gave it another shake, like maybe there was still one left in there and he'd somehow missed it. Nothing. He brought it up before his eyes to confirm the truth visually.

Empty.

 _Oh shit._

Well, so much for feeling like he was going to be ok.

By now, the logical side of Nick's brain knew that he'd gotten more a little dependent on his 'little helpers' that the doctor had given him. He knew that he'd been using them far more than he should have and not for the right reasons. He knew that he'd been abusing them and that it wasn't healthy and it was all to fill emotional voids, which was even less healthy. This was all obvious to him from life experience and training.

But the other side of his brain was screaming that if he didn't get more of them, there was no way in hell he was going to make it through any interaction with Judy. He could already feel chills drifting over his body. Pain. Deep intense pain. Not in any particular place- not even in his areas where he'd been wounded, the source of all this trouble. Just a throbbing, non-specific pain from deep within. Pain of the soul, perhaps?

No, that made it sound far more poetic than it deserved to be.

Nick panted heavily as got this feet, stumbling as he made his way to the bathroom, clutching onto the sink to steady himself. Looking up at the mirror, the fox looked like a pale version of his former self. Even underneath his fur, he could tell his flesh was far paler than usual. He'd lost a fair amount of weight since getting out of the hospital- his appetite had felt non-existent since getting out of the hospital and he'd had to will himself to eat, like it was an unpalatable chore. His eyes were so sallow and drawn back in their sockets. He barely recognized himself. Had he looked like this the last few weeks and just not noticed? Was it just now as he started to go into what he knew must be withdrawal, that he started to look this bad?

All he knew was, he couldn't let Judy see him like this if he was going to go through with confronting her one last time. He was going to need help, and those pills were the only thing he knew for sure could make him bear being in his own skin for a short while. Just one last time, just to get him through the stress of seeing her again and then whatever the answer- good or bad -he was off the shit for good. It had gotten out of hand the last few weeks, but he'd just been so stressed out. He'd had nowhere else to turn. But he could get a handle on it. He knew that he could get a hold of it and get himself back to normal. Definitely. For sure.

But if he didn't get those pills soon he felt like he was _literally_ going to die.

"Think, Wilde. _Think_." His arms shook as he clutched the chipped avocado countertop of his outdated bathroom. Going to the doctor was out of the question- even if wasn't already past five o'clock, he had no good reason for wanting a refill. And he had no confidence in his hustling skills in this state to try and schmooze his way into a fresh batch the semi-official way. He just was in no state to put on a convincing "oh it's getting me right here, Doc" act at the hospital.

What other options did that leave him?

Well. There were _other_ ways.

He knew about those first hand. He'd busted more than his fair share of scum-of-the-Earth dealing out ill-gotten-drugs on the backstreets of the city's shadier parts. He knew exactly where to go to get them, who to talk to, how much to pay. He knew it all down pat.

A pang of conscience dinged in the back of his head. Wait, this was crazy. This was absolutely insane. If he was in his right mind, he'd never even consider this for a moment. Sacrificing all the progress he'd made in turning his life around for something like this. Having turned his life around, quit the cons and hustles, swearing to uphold the law and protect the property and citizenry of Zootopia. It was crazy. Was he really going to do this?

Nick glanced up from the sink, taking another hard look at himself in the mirror.

 _Jesus._

He didn't have a choice. At least that's what his brain was telling him.

He turned on the faucet, splashing some ice cold water on his face and patting himself down with a towel. That sobered him up just a little- enough that he could backtrack into his room, pulling on a pair of jeans and grabbing a worn leather jacket he'd won in a poker game to throw on over his grimy t-shirt. It wasn't his usual ensemble when off duty, but he didn't exactly want anyone to recognize him by chance if he bumped into a familiar face.

Not wanting to leave himself any time to reconsider his life choices, he rushed out of his room, snatching his keys off the table and breezing out the door, slamming it shut behind him. Just one more time. Just this once.

And then he had to find Judy and get this over with so he could get on with his life.

Yeah, this was it.

Nick pulled the collar of his coat closer to his neck as the biting cold of Tundra Town set his fur on end. The entire district was an ice box to be sure, but this part was by far the coldest. It made sense why, even on a Friday evening such as this, there was no night life to be found. There were no trendy bars, restaurants or clubs in this area for hip young couples to spend romantic evenings at. It was just a cold, lifeless industrial park that few bothered to venture to unless the sun was out and then scurried home immediately after they clocked out for the day.

But, to those willing to brave the cold, there was business to transact. Business conducted by 'entrepreneurs' who put a high premium on being out of sight and out of mind of those who weren't there to buy- particularly law enforcement officials.

Nick had been familiar with this part of town before he was a cop. It wasn't a place he frequented unless he had to- and he'd never done so as a potential customer- at least for nothing of this nature. Becoming a cop and patrolling areas like this had only served to sharpen his instincts of what to look for. Only this time, he was looking for the opposite reason than he would usually be, shining his light from a squad car at unsuspecting dealers.

Walking down the frosted sidewalk, Nick glanced down each alleyway looking for signs of life. Even with the solitude this part of town offered with is subzero temperatures, finding someone who was 'selling' was not an easy task- and they liked it that way. Guys like this didn't make their money off of volume, they made it off a dedicated cadre of customers who were willing- or compelled -to put in the effort and take the risks associated with it all.

After checking half a dozen alleyways, Nick huffed in frustration, his breath snaking skyward in a puff of vapor as he tightened his jacket. Maybe he'd busted too many of these guys since getting on the job and scared any remaining ones off. Maybe he-"

"Psst!"

Nick spun around instantly, and somehow managed to fight the urge to reach for a gun that wasn't there. Standing behind him in a puffy winter coat, a mammal had materialized out of the alleyway he had just checked- damn, he must be losing his edge after all this time off. The stranger had a hooded sweatshirt on beneath his gortex jacket, the hood up and shielding his face, but he could see the snout of a timberwolf poking out from the darkness inside.

"You lookin' t'buy?"

Swallowing heavily, his tail rigid behind him, Nick nodded once. "Y-yeah."

Glancing left and right subtly, the wolf beckoned Nick into the alleyway. Nick followed cautiously, giving the area a quick scan himself, now second guessing his instincts. Who knows? This might all be a setup. He could be jumped at any moment- stripped of all his belongings, and left for dead. Or even worse. His heart was pounding in his chest like a samba drum. But he forged onward. No turning back now.

The wolf had lit a match as he leaned against a frozen dumpster- the orange light of the fire briefly illuminated his tawny fur before he snuffed it out, the dim glow of the end of his cigarette now the only light emanating from him. "You're new."

"Y-yeah, well, my usual guy, he uh. He's not around anymore." Nick hoped he still had some knack for lying in this state. "And I need my fix bad."

It disturbed him how convincingly he said that line. He hated himself at that moment.

"I won't ask questions. His loss, my gain." The wolf puffed on his cig, smoking drifting up into the frigid air. "What're you buying."

"It's uh- it's- fuck, I can't pronounce it." Nick glanced down at his jacket, keeping his hands in the open. "I got it written down in my coat. C-can I reach for it?"

The wolf nodded. Nick couldn't see his eyes, but he could imagine them narrowing intently on his paws watching for trouble. "Yeah, real slow. Don't want no trouble, right?"

"Yeah, yeah I hear you..." Nick slowly reached inside his jacket with one paw, pulling out a crumpled piece of paper that he'd hastily scribbled the generic name of the prescription he'd gotten on. Reaching out, he held the paper in front of the wolf, whose far larger paw plucked it from Nick's like it was taking candy from a baby. Striking a new match, the wolf mouthed the letters to himself as he read the note, nodding as he balled it up and tossed it aside.

"Yeah, I got this. Ain't cheap though."

Nick's ears twitched. "How much?"

"100 a pill for the brand name. 50 a pill for the generics. Demand's high lately. Trendy product."

Nick's ears twitched further in thought. He mentally went over how much cash he'd drawn out of the ATM on the way here; how much he could afford to get. _Just to get through meeting Judy_ , he reminded himself, sticking firm to his pledge to assuage his guilt.

"I'll take two of the brand name."

The wolf scoffed. "Just two?"

"I just got something I need to get through tonight. When I got more cash on hand, I may be back for more. But I just need to get through tonight." He just wanted this to be over as quickly as possible- he would tell the dealer anything to speed this along.

The wolf shrugged again. "Whatever man, a sale's a sale to me." He held out a paw expectantly. "Let's see some paper. And slow again, like before, dig? Nice and slow and easy and we both go home happy."

Nick took a deep breath, reaching down into his jeans, fishing for his wallet. He felt so disgusted with himself, but it seemed like every moment this dragged on that full-body pain seemed to be throbbing hard inside every nerve on his body. He unfolded his wallet and started to pull out some bills...

Suddenly, light.

Searing hot white light, right in his eyes.

"Hold it! Stay where you are!"

The wolf cursed and bolted into the alleyway, far quicker to react than Nick, lending credence to his theory of how much his skills had degraded lately. As the wolf made his escape, a baggy full of pills dropped into the show beside him. Nick reached out clumsily with his arm towards the beam, trying to shield his sensitive vulpine eyes . As a nocturnal animal by nature, the light was far more painful for him than for the wolf. The world started to come back into focus shielded behind the sleeve of his leather jacket.

And then his heart stopped, as he realized what was happening.

"ZPD! Get your hands up!" He heard the sound of a holster unbuckling, of a weapon being drawn. All sounds he as familiar with, from being on both sides of this scenario.

 _Oh no, oh sweet God please no._

"Hands up!" The insistent female voice repeated. It was harsh and impatient and in no mood for games judging by its tone. Nick knew he couldn't stall for time. He had to figure out a way out of this. Could he fake being undercover? No chance. He didn't have his badge, his credentials, or any authorization from above.

He was fucked. Well and truly fucked.

Sighing and groaning in defeat, Nick let his wallet fall to the ground as he lifted both his arms above his head, blinking into the light ahead of him. He could see the beam of a flashlight bearing right down on his face, still making it hard to see. He could just make out a silhouetted figure beside it, shorter than him, but still impossible for him to make out completely. All he could see for sure was the pistol being held on him with the figure's free hand.

This was it. So long career. So long friends. So long life-as-he-knew-it. It was back to being a low life- if and when he managed to get his ass out of jail. Back to being a no good common crook.

 _Nicky, what have you done?_

And suddenly, the gun arm dropped.

Nick waited for the officer's follow-up instructions. "Get on the ground, spread 'em, keep your palms open, you are under arrest, anything you say..." and assorted sundry sayings.

Instead, it was just silence. Total silence. Until the barely audible click of the flashlight turning off.

Nick blinked rapidly as his eyes readjusted to the darkness, quickly honing in on the figure.

His blood had already been cold, but the moment he put two and two together, it froze completely in his veins.

He followed those long grey ears down to that familiar lapine face, locked in an expression of shock and pain as he stood there staring at him, her gun and her flashlight clutched in her hands as her arms hung limp at her sides.

"...Nick?"

It was Judy.


	8. Truth

**_Author's Note:_** _I'm sorry that this took so long, but grad school has really eaten up my time and energy and has to take precedence over all of my hobbies- including writing this junk. For all of you that have been patient and not lost faith in me, thank you. This should step you back from the cliff edge a bit, and get us closer to the end. I'm planning at least one, if not two more chapters before we're finally finished up with this. I hope you enjoy!  
-_

It was like the world was coming to an end. That's what it felt like to Nick. Like he was watching mushroom clouds billow on the horizon ahead of him. This couldn't be happening; there was no way in hell this could be actually happening.

But it was.

He and Judy were locked in place by mutual shock, staring at one another in disbelief. Neither able to speak. Nick struggled to open his mouth, but his muscles weren't accepting any commands from his panic ridden brain.

Before he could regain his senses, Judy seemed to gain them first, her face starting to harden, her brows furrowing as she shoved her gun back into its holster. Just as Nick was finally regaining his ability to speak, his jaws parting, she held up a hand.

"Don't, just… don't."

If Nick's heart could have broken into smaller pieces than it already ways, it would have. His ears folded back in shame as his tail curled between his legs. Judy couldn't even look at him, simply gesturing back towards her car with the flashlight. "Not here. Get in the car…"

"Judy-"

"Get in the car Nick."

Judy didn't yell, or scream. She barely even raised her voice. But her tone made Nick want to curl up into a ball and pretend like he had never been born.

The silence around them was deafening as Nick skulked towards the passenger door. The soft crunch of fresh snow beneath his footpads felt amplified far beyond what it should be. He felt like he was walking down death row.

In some ways, maybe he was.

Nick climbed into the crusier, its relative warmth of no comfort as he closed the door behind him. He looked down at his paws, folded neatly in his lap, sitting perfectly motionless. He didn't turn to look at Judy as he heard her hoist herself up into the driver's seat. He did flinch as the door slammed with more force than he thought a bunny capable of.

Neither of them said anything. The only noise was the gentle hum of the idling engine and the occasional crackle of the radio. Nick kept looking down, unable to lift his gaze up.

There was a rustle and suddenly the bag of pills landed in Nick's lap unceremoniously, making him jump again. His heart was beating so rapidly now he honestly thought he might just die right then and there- between the stress and withdrawal from the medication. But even with the withdrawal he didn't even want to look at the damn things, turning his gaze out the passenger window.

Nick immediately regretted that move. As the car lurched forward into the night, he could see Judy's reflection in the glass. Looking straight forward, with her ears folded tightly behind her head, her face looking like it was set in stone. Nick grimaced. No matter where he looked, he wasn't going to avoid this now, was he? Only an hour or so earlier he'd wanted to find her, to put an end to the hell he'd been living in the past few weeks.

But not like this. God, not like this.

"Nick…" Judy finally began, keeping her eyes on the road. "…what the hell were you doing?"

Nick closed his eyes tight. He wanted to will himself away from here. Will himself out of this city. Will himself out of existence. Why, why did this have to happen? She could have been put on any patrol, why this one? Why Tundratown? He was ready to break down in sobs and beg forgiveness. But then:

"I don't see you for, what, a few weeks? And suddenly you're trying to buy illegal prescription drugs in sketchy parts of Tundratown? Have you gone completely mental?"

Nick's eyes shot open. His ears shot back up.

Was she- really? After everything?

Nick suddenly remembered everything that he had been through the past few weeks. The mental anguish he had been subjected to. All because of her. Because of his feelings for her.

And now she was going to try and lecture him?

You could practically hear the snap in Nick's head. Slowly, robotically, his head turned to face her. Even though Judy's expression was still one of disappointment, Nick could see she knew she had overstepped.

But he didn't care now. All that bottled sadness and anger was bursting up now like a geyser.

"Funny…" Nick started, his tone even icy than the weather outside. "…you saying that. Because, you not seeing me for 'a few weeks?' As I recall, that wasn't _my_ decision."

Judy's grip on the wheel tightened, her nose twitching. She realized she had made a serious error. It had been a knee jerk response. But Nick was in no mood for mercy. No mood to let it slide. Enough was enough. It was time to settle all this bullshit.

"Matter of fact, if I remember correctly, I crawled out of my hospital bed, climbed down a fire escape, and hoofed it halfway across town in a fucking HOSPITAL GOWN to see you." The volume of Nick's voice steadily increased, his frustration evident. "But gee what happened when I got to my best friend and partner's doorstep?"

No response from Judy.

"…I think you know what happened. You were there as I recall."

"Nick-"

"Though with how you've been acting lately, I'd believe it if someone told me you were actually some alien body-snatcher in Judy's hide, because whoever I saw at her apartment sure wasn't her."

"Nick, I-"

"THREE. DAYS I WAITED HOPPS!" Nick screamed at the top of his lungs. "THREE FUCKING DAYS!"

Judy flinched. Nick could feel his face muscles spasm involuntarily out of anger. No longer screaming, but his rage still evident, he continued on his rant.

"Three days I waited in that hospital bed for you to come and you didn't show. And then when I went out of my way to find you, you wouldn't even give me the time of day. You slammed the door in my face and left me on the floor of your hallway in a fucking hospital gown. You-"

Nick swallowed heavily, choking back tears. He didn't want to give her the satisfaction of thinking he still felt anything for her- even if it was true. He soldiered on.

"…you were the last thing I thought about when I thought I was about to die. And not only did you suddenly shut me out of your life without any warning or explanation, then you think you have the right to be judgmental of me when you find me searching for the only thing that's helped me deal with the pain when my best friend wouldn't even speak to me?"

Still no response from Judy. Nick scoffed, throwing up his arms and shaking his head. "Well excuse me if in response I tell you to go FUCK yourself you carrot chomping, hippity-hopping, nose twitching, cotton-tailed little piece of shit BUNNY!"

The car jolted as it came to a sudden stop. Judy kept on looking forward, doing her best to remain calm. The stress of the situation was showing however, her arms shaking as she clutched the wheel. Nick just sat there, his eyes full of rage, his nostrils flaring like he had gone savage.

Suddenly, Judy turned left. She pulled the car into a darkened alleyway and brought it to a stop, putting it in park and shutting off the engine. She slumped back into her seat, continuing to stare forward into nothingness. Like she wasn't even there. Even in his angered state, even in the dark, Nick could see…

…she looked so, _tired._

Inhaling deeply, Judy let out a long, pained sigh. Finally she turned to face Nick, her eyes glossy. He could tell she wanted to cry, but she was holding back. He knew she totally had the capability to try and pull the emotional-bunny routine, to try and manipulate him. It wasn't her style, but she could. Was she actively trying to not do that? Nick was determined not to be misled- his anger was justified. But he still wanted to know how she could ever try to explain all of this.

"I…" She took another deep breath, trying to steady herself desperately. "I deserve, all of that. Every last word. You are absolutely right."

Now it was Nick's turn to be silent. His face was still full of anger, but he let her continue, sitting back in his seat, giving her the floor.

"I, was a terrible partner. I was a terrible friend. I did everything that you're not supposed to do when you have someone counting on you like that. You have every right to call me out on that. And… and I almost feel like apologizing is wasted effort, because I don't think I can fix how monumentally I have screwed up what we had in the last few weeks. But, you have to believe me when I say I am. I really, really, REALLY am sorry. Honestly and truly. This- this isn't what I meant to have happen. It isn't, it isn't, it absolutely isn't…"

Tears were streaking down her cheeks now, even as she managed to keep her face straight. Nick's expression softened slightly as he sighed heavily, rubbing his temples. He turned back away from her, glancing out the window at nothing in particular.

"Carrots, what the hell happened? What went wrong?" "Wh-what did I do? I meant, before the trying to buy illegal drugs, what did I do? What did I do wrong?" Nick, looked down at his paws like before, clenching and unclenching one in front of him. It was his wounded arm, from the shooting. "Was it because- were… were you ashamed of me?"

Nick heard the sound of Judy's ears smack against the seat as her head spun around. "What?"

"Were you ashamed of me? Because I screwed up?"

"Nick, I don't understand-"

"The shooting Hopps. I- I fucked up didn't I? Is that it? You're this perfect, amazing cop. The valedictorian of her class, all that. I wasn't good enough for Miss Perfect wasn't it? I become damaged goods and you gotta get rid of the dead weight and just cutting me off was the best way?" Nick shrugged. "I remember telling Bogo I didn't want any commendations or medals because I felt I had fucked up- that I had been dumb enough to get shot and nearly died. That I had let my guard down. He told me that was ridiculous. But if you thought it, I guess he was just taking pity on me and didn't want to turn me suicidal or anything…"

Nick had intended for that to come out more accusative and defiant, but as his voice started to crack and the tears now streamed down _his_ face, it just was heartbreaking. Judy could barely look, her eyes turning bleary.

"Nick, no. Oh my God NO. I would never- I would NEVER think that! I was so worried about you- I was so proud of you. For what you did all on your own, getting through that-"

"But- I just- I don't get it ok?!" Nick's voice rose again as he waved his arms around in exasperation, interjecting before Judy had a chance to finish. "That still doesn't explain anything! That still doesn't explain why you didn't come to see me! Why you shut me out after I tried to talk to you! It doesn't make any sense! If you were ashamed, why didn't you just tell me?! WHY. DIDN'T. YOU. JUST. TELL. ME? Why did you shut me out?!"

Judy was starting to break down into crying fits now, her face cradled in her arms. Nick slumped against the glove compartment, burrowing his head against the leather upholstery. "It's like you knew…"

"K-knew what?"

Shit.

Nick hadn't expected her to hear that. He had meant to say it to himself quietly- or in his mind. And he hadn't expected Judy to hear it over them sniveling like a pair of kids with grazed knees.

"N-nick, know what?" Judy wiped the tears away from her eyes, Nick's verbal slip slapping her back into coherence and forcing her to regain her composure.

Nick let out what felt like the loudest sigh of his life. "Oh what's the goddamn point of even covering it up anymore? My life is going down the drain in front of me as I speak anyway. I've fucked up the best things to ever happen to me and I can't fuck them up any more than I already have…"

"Nick?..."

Rubbing his bleary eyes, Nick steeled himself internally for what would come next. This is what he had set out to do to begin with, right? Granted, he had wanted it to go far, far smoother than this- but the best laid plans often went awry with him and Judy it felt like. It was now or never. He took a deep breath and turned to his partner.

"Judy, I..." He stumbled verbally as he looked into her eyes, but pressed on.

"...I-I love you."

There was a split second, and when Judy didn't immediately react, Nick pressed on. "I think... I think I've always been in love with you. From the first moment I met you. I just didn't realize it. I'm in love with everything about you. How kind you are, how dedicated and hardworking, how all you want to do is make the world a better place and do right by people. I don't even know why. Maybe because you're everything I wish I could do better about myself."

Nick turned away, staring out of the windshield, blankly, into the dark, cold night. "I didn't tell you because, I was terrified. I was terrified that you wouldn't feel the same way about me. That I would ruin our partnership- our friendship, by making you feel awkward and uncomfortable, and then I would screw up the best thing to ever happen to me and go back to being a sad, cynical, pathetic shell of a fox again, like I'd been before I met you."

Still more silence in response. Nick just kept forging on, the floodgates now open and the emotions flowing. "But I guess it doesn't matter now. I've gone and fucked everything up between us anyway. Nothing is ever going to be the same again after this huge mess that I've created. Just know that this stupid, short-sighted, weak-willed idiot of a fox loves you and thinks you're amazing. Even after everything I've gone through the last few weeks, even in my darkest moments where I hated your guts, I still loved you deep down..."

Nick leaned forward, exhausted, resting his forehead against the dashboard, his eyes closed tight as he awaited whatever may come next. He didn't know what to possibly expect. He had his worst case scenario's in mind, but somehow he felt that whatever it would be would be far worse than he could have imagined. Far more soul destroying and heartbreaking that even his overactive imagination could conjure up when he was feeling the most blue.

"I..."

Nick's face scrunched up tight as he pressed his eyelids closer together, not wanting to even glimpse Judy as the heartbreak approached. _Here it comes..._

"...Nick, do you remember why I called in sick the day you were shot?"

Nick's eyes slowly opened as his body un-tensed, a look of confusion on his face as he slowly sat back up, looking over to Judy. She seemed a bit more calm all of a sudden, though he could sense a bit of apprehension in her. The same he had had before he told her how he felt. What was going on?

"Well, yeah. You had told me you had, uh. Bunny problems." An awkward pause. "Lady bunny problems."

That got a small smile out of Judy. "I was in heat, yeah."

Nick opened his mouth to ask something that had been burning in his brain, but couldn't bring himself to do it. But Judy knew what he was thinking.

"Yes, that was the truth. I really was in a bad way." She looked down at her oversized feet, with a hint of shame, before continuing. "But there was still part of a lie in there."

Nick's ears twitched, as he pushed back off the dashboard into his seat, folding his arms over his chest to keep the chill of the outside air away. "What do you mean?"

"I was telling the truth in that I was in heat, but I was lying as to why I wasn't coming into work because of it. Remember how I said, something like: 'I'm afraid I'll pounce on the first male I see' or something along those lines?"

Nick's eyes narrowed as he struggled to see what point she was building up to, but nodded his head regardless. Judy kept on looking at her feet, pulling down one of her big floppy ears and toying with it anxiously.

"That, was the lie. I wasn't afraid I would just tackle some random stranger and start..." She flushed with embarrassment, turning away. "I was afraid, I'd..."

"...I wouldn't be able to control myself around you."

Now it was Nick's turn to flush. "M-me?"

Judy's ears drooped lower, covering her eyes as she curled up into the fetal position. "Yes. You. specifically you. I- I was afraid of the same thing you were, Nick. That I wouldn't be able to control myself around you and I would do something that would ruin our friendship and our partnership by making you feel uncomfortable or something."

Nick's paws were suddenly shaking. "But... but you wouldn't be afraid of that unless you-"

"-already felt something for you?" Judy's ears started to lift up slightly, letting her looking from underneath them at Nick.

"Well, yeah." Nick swallowed heavily. Oh shit, was this really happening?

"That's what I'm trying to say, Nick." Her ears straightened up again, more tears now visible, welling up in her eyes. "I... I love you too. I'm in love with you too. I feel the exact same way that you feel about me."

Nick's heart stopped. This couldn't be happening. No, this was impossible. There was no way. It had to be a-

"Dream." Nick said suddenly, his thoughts suddenly spoken out loud. "This is a dream. I'm dreaming. There's no way this is happening. This can't be happening."

"It's real Nick, I swear." Judy unbuckled her seatbelt, crawling closer. "I mean it. I... I love you. I've loved you since I met you too, I think. And I've come to love you more. But I never thought... I didn't think you'd ever feel the same way about some farm girl bunny like me. I knew we were friends, but I thought that was much as we'd ever be and I didn't want to risk losing that- just like you."

Nick clutched at his chest. He was hyperventilating. This was insane. This couldn't be happening. It was improbable. Impossible. Not in a million years. Not in this lifetime- this universe.

The one outcome of telling her that he had never in his wildest dreams thought would happen, was happening right here, right now.

She felt the same way.

She loved him too.

Suddenly there was the feeling of paws wrapping around him, squeezing him, as Judy threw herself upon him. He froze in place, not sure what to do. But slowly his brain caught up, beginning to comprehend that this was, in fact, real and actually happening. His shaky arms reached out, wrapping around her smaller, fluffy form and pulling her close. His breathing started to even out and his racing heart began to calm down- though still beating at a frantic pace. It was becoming clearer now:

She loved him. She really loved him. And she was in his arms, right now.

But, it still didn't feel real enough. It still felt off. Something was still bothering him. He remembered what it was, and armed with new courage and resolve, he took a leap of faith.

"I... I still don't understand Carrots. What about what happened when I was shot. Why didn't you come to see me? Why did you shut me out?"

He felt those small paws clutch at his clothes tighter as a painful sigh shook her body. She leaned back, more tears streaming down her cheeks. "Oh God, it's so stupid. I feel so fuh-fuh-freaking stupid about what I did..." She sniffed pathetically.

Nick chuckled for what felt like the first time in forever. "Careful, Carrots. Nearly got yourself dropping some actual swear words there." He reached out with his thumbs, wiping away the tears. "It's okay, I just- I just have to know. I have to. I promise you I won't freak out or anything."

...He hoped.

"After you were shot, I felt, SO guilty. I felt like it was all my fault. I hadn't been there for you- to cover you, to watch your back. And because of something that was so stupid and petty as being overly horny. Ugh it makes me feel so awful just talking about it." Judy shut her eyes tight, putting her head in her heads. Nick reached out, squeezing her shoulder in encouragement.

"...I completely lost it Nick. I was a wreck for days. I was in a spiral. I was beating myself up so hard that I couldn't function. After Bogo called me, I didn't answer the phone for anyone- not even my parents. They just about called Bogo to have someone do a wellness check on me. I didn't go out, I didn't sleep, I didn't eat. I didn't do anything. I was in complete shutdown because I felt I might as well had been the one to pull the trigger. But what bothered me even more was I- I almost- I might have missed-"

"You might have not been able to tell me how you felt about me..."

Judy looked back up sheepishly. "... you probably thought the same thing didn't you, as you were laying in that hospital bed."

"Yup." Nick stroked her shoulder. "Go on."

"I- I wanted to come to see you. God, I wanted to, I swear that's the truth. But I just- I wasn't strong enough. I felt so awful, so guilty, that I didn't think I could look you in the eye." Judy sniffed, the tears welling up again. "And what was even worse was, I was still in heat, so even if I could look you in the eye, I was afraid I would do something even stupider than I would have done at work, like trying to take advantage of you when you were vulnerable- I don't even know. I was just an absolute and total mess..."

Judy held back the tears, forging onward. "I lost track of time. It was like it had no meaning those three days while I was locked up in my apartment. When you finally showed up at my door, my apartment was in shambles and I looked like the living dead. I was afraid if you saw me, if you saw what was going on, you'd- I don't know what. But it would have been terrible. So when I opened the door and saw you there, in that hospital gown, demanding to know why I hadn't been there to see you. I just had never predicted it. I should have, given how determined you are, but I didn't. And my brain just... broke. Shut down. I had no idea what to do or so. I panicked. I just babbled my way through that whole conversation and as I realized how much deeper of a hole I was digging, that's-"

"-that's when you slammed the door and called Bogo." Nick finished.

"Oh God, Nick. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." Judy fell forward against him, her words muffled by his clothes. "I don't know what I was thinking. I was so stressed and shocked I passed out right there by the door and when I woke up and realized what I had done, I was mortified. I thought I had completely killed our friendship and there was nothing more I could do. All because I was so weak and pathetic. So-"

"So you put in for your transfer," Nick finished for her again.

"Yes..." Judy straightened up, looking up at Nick, her large lapine eyes full of regret. "I am, so, SO sorry Nick. I can't even begin to say how sorry I am. I just, I..."

Judy stopped mid-sentence as she noticed something odd. It had started out as a small snicker. Then it became a louder chortle. Now it was a full blown belly laugh.

Nick was laughing. He was laughing harder than he had laughed in nearly a month. Big, full body, epic laughs- the kind that left you feeling breathless and your throat dry by the end. It was hysterical laughter as he clutched his belly.

The change was gradual. First the tears were ones of laughter as well- of happiness. The tone of the laughs started to change. They became deeper, more somber. The expression on Nick's face changed from a full toothy smile to a wretched expression of pain and guilt.

The laughs had changed to sobbing.

He reached out and clutched onto Judy, pulling her flush with his body as he rested his head on top of hers, sobbing uncontrollably. It was harder than he had cried in a month as well- even with all the other crying he'd been doing. He reckoned he'd cried more in one span of a few weeks than he had in his entire life up until now. But here he was, sobbing like a kit.

"We are such idiots..." Nick managed to blur out in between crying fits.

"Nick I- I don't understand." Judy was holding him tight, taking all of her mental energy not to break down sobbing again herself.

After a couple more minutes, Nick finally managed to get himself under control. As he wiped the latest in a long line of tears from his eyes, there was a weak smile on his face as he gazed down at Judy.

"Here we were, this whole time, in love with one another, worried that the other one wasn't and not wanting to ruin our friendship by attempting to make a move. And if one of us had just done that, we would have known and none of this ever would have happened. Instead we buried our feelings to the point we just about drove ourselves crazy..." Nick let out a short, pained laugh. "We... we are fucking idiots, Judy Hopps. The biggest dipshits in Zootopia."

Judy didn't seem to know how to react to that at first. She quickly found herself snickering as well- it was bittersweet, but cathartic. Suddenly, she and Nick's eyes were locked with one another in a powerful gaze.

"Well..." Judy scooted closer, not breaking off her stare. "...guess we're made for each other then. Right?"

Nick wrapped his paws around her waist, his smile gaining warmth just from looking at her and finally seeing her own smile after what felt like centuries. "Yeah. I guess we are."

"Yeah."

It all happened so suddenly. It was like Nick had no control over himself- and neither did Judy, apparently. Next thing he knew, the two of them were entwined in one another as he felt her lips press tightly against his snout. They kissed passionately, an outlet of all the negative feeling and frustration they had been tortured by for the past few weeks. All of it was poured into that moment, as they realized that their wildest dreams actually had come true, the softness and warmth of their bodies pressing against one another driving away the doubt and fear that had dominated their lives.

When their lips finally came apart, they were breathless. Nick collapsed back onto the seat, pulling Judy with him. She clutched him tightly, nuzzling up against his neck as they both breathed heavily. After everything that had happened, all seemed right with the world. Nick turned his head to look down at Judy.

Suddenly his hide went pale under his fur. Wedged between Judy's body and the seat back, was the bag of pills from earlier. Nick's heart dropped into his stomach as he remembered why he was here in the first place. "Oh shit..."

"Hmmm?" Judy lifted her head up."What's wrong?"

Nick sighed as he reached over, grabbing the bag and staring at it mournfully. Judy's nose and ears twitched in anxiety as she suddenly remembered too. "Oh... "

Nick rubbed his temples as he sat up, staring at the result of his bad decisions. "Well, that's it isn't it? There's no way out of this one. Things may be ok with you and me now, but, I may have just fucked up my entire career. Just gotta face it I guess."

"Nick, don't talk like that. Look-"

Nick promptly shushed her. "Don't even think about saying half the things you're about to say." Judy's ears folded back as she glanced around. She knew what Nick meant. Police cars were fitted with cameras, microphones- all manner of equipment to record encounters for use as evidence- or as entertainment on basic cable reality shows It was too late to try and pretend nothing happened now, even with no other witnesses. Judy's encounter with Nick had almost certainly been picked up by the car's AV equipment, and tampering with it would be a massive breach of regulation- and downright illegal. Nick was done with that life, and would never force Judy to do the same. There was no other option in that case.

"Nick..." More tears were brewing in Judy's eyes. "I'm so sorry, if I hadn't-"

"Shhh, no way Carrots, don't you dare feel guilty about this. You were just doing your job, ok?" Nick pulled her close, dropping the pills to the ground as he stroked her back. "And if you hadn't found me right then and there, well, we may never have had this conversation. We still may never have known."

"But- but you may lose your job."

"Nothing I can do about that now, is there?" Nick felt oddly at peace with the world as he said that. "I made my bed, I gotta sleep in it now. I could have reacted better to what happened- gotten more help. But I took a stupid, easy way out. Now I just have to face it like an adult. Like a man."

Judy squeezed him tighter. "I'll do everything I can in the book Nick. I don't want to lose my partner."

"Relax carrots. Heh. Even if I do lose my job, I'm not going anywhere. Especially not-"

Nick blinked. "-not... not... now?"

Judy could sense something was wrong. "Nick?"

Nick clutched at his chest. It felt like his heart was going haywire. His hide suddenly felt clammy and his vision blurry. His brain was shorting out like a computer going through a carwash. What the-

The withdrawal.

Nick you stupid bastard, he cursed at himself as he struggled to grab onto something. He'd been running on pure adrenaline since earlier this evening and now his body was finally running out of it. He fell back onto the seat, unable to straighten up.

"Nick!" Judy was upon him in seconds. Nick could barely make out her concerned face as his vision worsened.

"S-see what I mean, C-carrots? Biiiiggest idiots in alllll Zzzzoooo-"

Nick's lips now didn't feel like cooperating. He felt so drained. Every began to go black and sound began to get fuzzy, like it was getting farther away. The last thing he would remember was Judy shouting something over the radio, as the car rumbled back to life.


	9. Full Circle

"…Just tell me this Wilde: is there some sort of competition I don't know about?"

Nick sunk deeper into the now all-too-familiar hospital bed, hoping that it would just swallow him up and take him away from this world. No dice though. That'd be too easy. "Look, Chief-"

"No, I'm curious" Bogo continued, looking rather bemused. "Is there some kind of contest going on in the locker room among officers about how often they can end up in the emergency room in one year? What's the grand prize? A golden crutch? Is the runner up price a silver cast?"

Nick glanced briefly over at Judy, her ears folded back as she glanced down at her feet hanging over the side of a chair far too large for her. She hadn't left his side since she'd gotten him here. He could tell she wanted to leap to his defense somehow, but now wasn't the time. He just had to take his lumps.

"Chief, really, I can explain."

"Well that's good because you're going to _need_ to explain, Wilde." Bogo quickly whipped his reading glasses off his nose, gesturing at Nick with the doctor's chart in his hands. "Because it looks like you're sure as hell not back in here due to any complications with your prior injuries. I-" He glanced over at Judy, huffing impatiently. "Hopps I think you ought to step outside and give us some privacy."

Judy sat up a little straighter in her chair, her brows furrowing in determination, but still silent.

"Hopps-"

"Chief, sir, it's alright…" Nick lifted a paw wearily, sighing. "She already knows- if what you're talking about is what I think you're talking about. Besides, she is my partner after all."

Judy managed to smile slightly over at the fox before Bogo cleared his throat, sending a rumble through the room. "Very well. I had a feeling this would concern the both of you anyway. I've bit my tongue the past few weeks with whatever the hell's been going on between you two, but it's starting to concern your colleagues and I don't need anything upsetting morale and cohesion- not now."

With that said, Bogo pulled up a chair- this one only just barely fitting him compared to Judy -after setting the chart back at the foot of the bed. "I think you better start from the beginning. I imagine, right after you had your 'incident' during that traffic stop, correct?"

Now it was Nick's turn to look down at his feet, unable to look either Judy or Bogo in the eye. He may have been coming to terms with all this, but it was still painful to think about. "Yes sir."

"Well?"

"…we had a, 'misunderstanding' right after the shooting. It's complicated."

Bogo crossed his arms, the chair creaking as he leaned back. "Try me."

Nick and Judy flushed simultaneously, looking away from each other and twiddling their thumbs. Bogo sighed again, louder this time. "Wilde-"

"Right, sorry Chief. Anyway, uh. To make it simple, we got confused after my shooting and were blaming ourselves for it happening and convinced ourselves that the other one didn't want anything to do with the other because of it." Nick turned to Judy again with a weak smile. "Sound about right, Carrots?"

Judy returned Nick's look with a faint smile of her own. "Yeah, sound like us…" There was no need to mention anything else they may, or may not, have discussed at this point. Especially not to Bogo.

"I see." Bogo glanced between Nick and Judy, silently sizing up the two of them before nodding to Wilde to continue going. Nick summoned his courage and soldiered on with the story.

"Anyway, I was in a bad way with all of this. I was dealing with a lot of shit, badly, after the shooting. Clawhauser tried to help me, bless his heart, but I just felt into a hole, hardcore. The doc had prescribed me with some pills, in case I was in a lot of pain after the surgery. And…"

"…you started taking them as a bit of a 'pick me up,' I gather?"

Nick winced. His instinct was to get defensive about it, but as blunt as the Chief was about it, it was the truth. And he knew Bogo wasn't trying to be malicious or mean about it. He was just trying to cut to the heart of the issue. "Yeah. I guess I started using them as a crutch, as I tried to get things sorted out I my head and figure out where Hopps and I stood. And it just… went too far I suppose. I went overboard."

Bogo sighed and rubbed his jaw, glancing over his shoulder at the door before pulling his chair closer to Nick's bed and lowering his voice. "That much, I could gather, from what the doctor told me and what your charts say. You're very lucky that Hopps brought you in when she did. It could have gotten a great deal worse very, very quickly. Really, I'm amazed you didn't manage to turn into a full-blown addict in this time. If anything, it's a testament to your character and willpower."

That put Nick a little at ease. Bogo probably wasn't out to crucify him if he was still willing to give him compliments and show some concern for his well-being. But he knew that he wasn't out of the woods just yet. The inevitable question was coming- the one that would cut to the quick.

"All of this explains a great deal…" Bogo began, speaking slowly and deliberately. "…but what I need to know now is what were doing when Hopps found you and brought you in. According to the toxicology report, you were in pretty serious withdrawal by that point. It was amazing that you were still on your feet at all. But from the sound of things, you weren't at home, and you just told me you and Hopps hadn't been on speaking terms, so-"

"Chief, does he really have to answer all this now?" Hopps finally piped up, nearly jumping out of her chair, surprising Nick and even Bogo. "I mean, he- he's barely just woken up and-"

"Carrots, easy, easy!" Nick managed to sit up straighter in bed, motioning for his partner to settle. "I'm fine, really. I know you're worried, but, well, sooner or later I was gonna have to do all this. I'd rather just bite the bullet and face it now. Get it over with and not draw it out any longer."

"But Nick-" Nick just held up a single paw to silence her. Judy looked crestfallen. Nick knew she wanted to spare him what was going to happen, but there was no way out of it. The most he could do was make sure that only his career was ruined and not his partner's. She was always the better cop anyway, he thought to himself with a faint smile. Better to keep her clean.

Bogo promptly reminded the two of them he was present in the room with a loud clearing of his throat, his arms crossed across his barrel chest. Judy settled back down in her chair and Nick deflated back down into his bed, looking down at his paws as he folded them in his lap, nervously twiddling his thumbs. "Would you like to continue, Wilde? I'd like to understand all this sometime in this century, if you don't mind…"

"Right. Sorry Chief." Nick thought over his words very carefully as he reached the climax of his tale. "You know already that I was using those pills the way I shouldn't have. Anyway, at the rate I was using them, I ran out pretty quickly. By that point, I'd decided I was going to clear the air with Hopps one way or another about all the weirdness going on between us. That's where I was going to go before I got sidetracked. I…" Nick's voice caught in his throat but he tried to press on. "I…"

"…You went to get more, didn't you?" Bogo's voice was quiet but strong. Not judgmental or stern, but firm, almost parental with an amount of concern and understanding. " You needed them to get through that." Nick looked up at his boss, his eyes getting a little misty with guilt and regret and nodded yes.

"Where did you go for them?"

"That… that one industrial neighborhood on the bad side of Tundratown. You know the one. Hell, your briefings were what got it in my mind when I was trying to work out what to do. You've told our guys patrolling that area what to look out for the last few months. I knew just where to go. Didn't take long."

"And I'm guessing that's when Hopps found you, hmmm?"

Nick looked over at Judy. Her ears had flopped forward, falling over her eyes as she hung her head. He looked away, the shame descending further down over him as he stared at his paws, part of him wishing that OD that just straight up killed him- if not for the thought of what would have done to her. "Y-yeah. I found a guy with what I needed, it was all about to go down, and then she pulled up, he ran off, she saw me, and…"

"Right." Bogo chewed on the inside of his cheek in thought, his thick brows furrowing in concentration as he thought hard on what he had been told. "Did anything actually change hands? Money? The… product? Any of that?"

Nick lifted his head a little, confused by the nature of the question. "…no, no Judy showed up before I could actually, well, you know." He shrugged. "I didn't get a chance to even get out my cash. Then when she recognized me, she just told me to get in the car so she could find out what the hell was going on. Then when we were having our- um -heart-to-heart, I guess that's when it finally caught up with me."

Bogo nodded again, folding his hands in front of his face as he thought even harder, staring at the wall intently. Nick wished he could tell what was going through his boss's mind right now. Judy had the same expression on her face, a range of emotions running over it. He obviously wasn't ready to admonish and disgrace him just yet, so what was going on? What was he thinking? It was nerve racking.

After a silence that seemed to drag on forever, Bogo took in a deep breath and exhaled, straightening himself up in his chair as he did, looking over at a very concerned Judy before turning back to Nick. "Alright, Wilde. Before I say anything more, I want to say to you that I appreciate you being honest and up front with me. I mean that. I've seen more than a few people get into the situation you're in now and try to explain things way, or just outright lie even when it was clear they were lying and the proof was right there. But, you didn't. And… that is something worthy of some respect in itself."

Nick nodded a little appreciatively, but let out a big sigh. "Thank you sir, but, I'm pretty sure I can tell where this is going…" His ears folded behind his head, but he sat up as straight as he could in bed, trying to muster what dignity he had left at this point. "As soon as they let me out of here- assuming they even do this time -I can draft you a letter of resignation ASAP and-"

Judy practically leapt out of her chair, her eyes going wide as saucers. "Nick, no!"

"Hopps, it's the right thing to do-"

Bogo snorted. "Well that couldn't be farther from the truth…"

Nick practically did a double take as he heard Bogo speak, his own brows now furrowing in confusion as he saw the chief lean back in his chair, returning his arms to their crossed position on his chest. "…Resigning? Yes, that's certainly an option Wilde, but I would hardly say that's the best outcome here."

"…Chief?"

"Wilde, I'm not going to sit here and try and make this look good for you because you know that's not the case, but please believe me when I say this is not as bad as your brain is trying to make you think it is as it rattles around up there in your skull. You think this is the first time I've seen anything like this happen before, hmm? Hardly." Bogo shifted his weight, the chair creaking in distress as he gave Nick a parental expression. "If you want to resign, I won't stop you, but I think it would be a waste of someone who has turned out to be a fine police officer regardless of what has happened the last few weeks and frankly I would think a little less of you for it if you tried to bail at the first opportunity."

Nick was royally confused now, with Judy about just as puzzled judging by the way her nose was twitching. "Sir, I- I have to admit I'm a little lost here. I mean, you know about my uh- previous career. I've been on the other side of the law before and this all seems kind of cut and dry. I know what I did, I admitted to you what I did, hell, our cruiser has a recording of what I did. I- broke the law. I tried to buy illicit prescription drugs for God's sake. You should be taking me to jail the moment I'm well enough! I should be handcuffed to the bed!" Nick didn't notice his voice getting increasingly louder and frustrated the more he talked, reliving his own mistakes in his mind, his heart pounding.

"Nick, Nick c'mon, please calm down…" Judy reached over and patted his paw, a pleading look in her eyes. It didn't take much more than that for Nick to clear his throat awkwardly, sinking back into the pillows, still looking pretty defeated.

"Sorry, Carrots." He turned back to Bogo, calmer, but still confused. "Sorry. I just, don't see how it's all over for me? I mean, what could even be done?"

Bogo shrugged. "Well, I'm not going to sit here and tell you that you're not going to be disciplined. You're right, you did make a mistake. But it was extenuating circumstances. You were just about killed in a violent incident, you were having a breakdown in communications with your partner- a very close relationship for a police officer. You fell face first into a drug problem and you didn't know how to deal with it. It doesn't excuse what you did completely, but it makes it more understandable. You didn't go out and do what you did 'just because' or to get your jollies in. It was a chain reaction. A perfect storm."

Nick sighed, still not quite understanding, but at least willing to hear Bogo out. "So, what do we do?"

"We treat this honestly and transparently. So far you've been very open about everything that you have done wrong. I get the feeling the DA won't be in a mood to press charges after I talk to him, but we need to deal with this from our end- not just 'show' we are, actually do it. We have programs for this. Recovery, probation, all that. You'll be assigned to desk duty for a while and we'll put you through them. I won't lie, you'll be under a bit of a microscope until they think you're ready to go back out in the field again. Probably have to do some community service as well, but I don't think you'll mind that, right?"

Nick nodded, but his brows were still furrowed. Bogo cocked his head. "Go on, say it Wilde. I can tell you have something on your mind about all this."

"It all just seems a bit…" Nick sighed. "…like a double standard? Hypocritical? I mean, let's face it, if I wasn't a cop and was still just some street crook you'd never do any of this. You'd throw the book at me, the DA would push for the strongest charges he could get, make them stick, and throw me in prison. It all just seems, wrong. Like, we're not breaking the system, but it's not right. I should have to own up to what I did like some other sap who wasn't a cop would have to do if he was caught."

It was Bogo's turn to sigh as he ran a hand over his stubble, shrugging slightly. "…You know, you're not wrong Wilde. I'd definitely would be a hypocrite if I said that this didn't have at least a bit of a smell of an 'old boys network.' I try not to make a habit out of things like this, you know? This department has seen its share of scandals in the past, like any city. Drugs. Corruption. Racism. All of that. I've tried to run it clean. Be fair, be impartial, be honest. I've let a lot of people go for doing things on par with what you've done, or even not as bad. But, this…"

Bogo leaned forward, his expression softening. "…Wilde, you and Hopps saved this city from the brink of disaster. We all still owe the two of you a big debt of gratitude. And you did it, even though this city has done nothing but shit on you for your entire life. You did it even after I was a royal ass to you the first time we met. And you've become one of the finest officers I've ever seen, second only to, well-" Bogo smirked and nodded over at Judy, who blushed a little under her fur. "-No offense Wilde."

Nick looked over to Judy and smiled, making her go an even deeper hue of red. "None taken sir."

"Let me put it this way, Wilde. Maybe this is all pulling a lot of strings and working the system. None of it is illegal, but it still kinda feels off, I get that. But… you're not some terrible corrupt cop I'm trying to cover for just because he's a cop. That's the key. That's why you feel bad, because every time you've seen something like this happen in the past it's because it's been cops covering for bad cops who did bad things just because they don't want them to lose their job. I don't want you to lose your job because you really are a good cop, and I'm afraid if you're not out there the city is going to be worse off for it. And this is the best way I can think of to get you back out there where you'll help people."

Bogo took a deep breath as he ended his long-winded speech, leaning back in that chair that was taking a surprising amount of abuse today. "Does that, make more sense to you now?"

Nick nodded, his expression having softened somewhat since the time Bogo had started. "Yeah, yeah I understand sir. And… I think I can live with that? I still don't quite like the precedent or the idea that 'oh well I'm a good cop so just this one time this is all ok.' But, I guess it just gives me a reason to want to try and do even better when I get back to show that it was worth it."

With that said, Bogo nodded as he go to his feet, the chair finally relieved of its heavy burden. "Good. Well, then. Right now, the only thing I need you to do is to rest up and get better. Then, once you're out of here- and I expect you to stay out of hospital this time -we can deal with the paperwork and everything we're doing to need to do in order to get all this taken care of the proper way."

Bogo turned to leave. He had one hand on the doorknob when he suddenly stopped, slowly glancing over his shoulder at Nick. "Wilde, I only give 'one' second chance. I don't do third, or fourth, or ad infinitum. You get 'one' more and then someone is done with me if they screw that up. I meant it when I said you're a good cop. You didn't let me down this time, I swear. But if you do it again-"

"I understand sir." Nick lifted himself up with a grunt, managing to bring his paw to his forehead in a salute. Bogo replied with a half-smile and a nod as he opened the door, the hum of the hospital corridor pouring into the room. Suddenly, he stopped again, as his phone buzzed on his belt, unclipping it and bringing it up to his face. After reading the messaged, he let out a snort of a laugh.

"…by the way Wilde, that was Clawhauser. He just picked up your mother. They'll both be here in 15 minutes if traffic keeps up." He turned to him with a shit-eating smirk. "Good luck with that."

Before Nick could react, Bogo had fled, the door falling shut behind him. Nick groaned loudly, pulling the sheets over his head and tightly around him. "Oh God, Carrots, you should have just let me die. I don't think I can handle my Mom right now- let alone my Mom AND Clawhauser." He let the sheets fall down just a little, enough that he could peer over them at Judy. "…how much do they know?"

Judy winced, her ears folding back down as she rubbed her hands nervously. "Well, your Mom called on your cell while you were in the ER, and I answered, and…" She shrugged helplessly, giving Nick a weak smile. "…she was so worried, I guess she was expecting to hear back from you about something? And, well, I couldn't just lie to her and keep her worried about her son, could I?"

"Oh my fucking life…" Nick pulled one of his pillows out from under his head, putting it over his face. "Just, smother me now Carrots. Put my out of my misery. I can't take this. When she gets here, I'm gonna die an even more painful death than if the bullet or the drugs had done me in."

"Oh sweet cheese and crackers Nick, stop being so melodramatic." Judy finally seemed to find her voice again as she snatched the pillow back from her partner, coaxing him to sit up as she fluffed it and stuff it back behind his head. "You realize how easy you just got off right? You're not out of the woods yet, but you'll be able to keep your job at least. You're very, very lucky. This could have gone a lot worse."

"I know, I know I am. I just.." Nick looked away, shrugging as he sank back down into the mattress. "...this is going to take a while to get over. And having to deal with my Mom coming in and seeing me like this and knowing what happened, it's just the icing on the shit cake at this point."

Judy's expression softened as she scooted her chair closer. "I know. You've… been through a lot these past few weeks. I… I feel so guilty. I feel like most of this is my fault. If I had just gotten the courage to say something to you sooner, maybe then-"

"Don't even start Judy. This was a team failure on our part. We both screwed up in our own ways." Nick reached out, taking her smaller paw in his as he managed a real smile. "But, from the sound of things, you're right. I was pretty lucky. I thought Bogo was going to tear me a new one."

"He really respects honesty and people taking responsibility for their mistakes. Couple that with the fact you've been an outstanding police officer since you joined the force, then of course he's going to want to do what he can to help you and keep you around. If anything, you saved yourself on this one by being a good cop." Her smile broadened, as it started to feel like everything really was going to be ok. "When you told him everything the way you did, even with how much I could tell it hurt you, I was so proud to know you- to be your partner. It was very brave of you."

Nick snorted. "I mean, it was the only option to me. I couldn't lie, not when there were plenty of ways to prove me wrong. I supposed I just could have clamed up and demanded a lawyer or something, but that just seemed like the old Nick Wilde way out. That life is behind me. I'm done making excuses and covering my ass and lying and hustling my way out of shit." He sighed and shook his head. "I just want to get things back to normal at this point. Back to the way they were. As fast as possible."

The moment he said that, something clicked in Nick's brain. Getting back to normal.

He suddenly sat bolt upright in his bed, startling Judy with his movements. He looked intently at her, swallowing heavily as more images from earlier flashed into his head. "But… now I'm wondering if that's even fully possible now… You know. Things being totally the way they were before?"

Judy's ears twitched. She knew what he was talking about immediately, though she was obviously hesitant to say anything. She probably didn't know what to think after the hectic few hour they had just experienced together- few weeks even.

"Look, Carrots- Judy…" Nick leaned forward onto his knees, speaking in hushed, sincere tones. "I know… I know I was going through withdrawal, but, that doesn't change what I said to you last night. I remember it, I remember what you said back to me. I meant every word of it. I swear."

Judy flushed bright red again, right through her fur. "I know you did. I never thought you didn't. I guess, I've just still been absorbing it, you know? Going from what the last few weeks have been like, all the way to that, I feel like I have whiplash." She actually managed to chuckle from that, getting a smile out of Nick as well. "Plus, I didn't see any reason for us to bring it up in front of Bogo unless we absolutely had to. Not while we're still trying to figure it out ourselves."

Nick nodded in agreement. "Yeah, thanks for that." There was a silence, as the two of them stared at just about anything that wasn't the two of them. Walls, feet, ceiling, floor, until finally Nick stepped up.

"So, what do we do now?"

Judy let out a sigh that sounded like it should come from an animal far larger, and older than her. "I… have no idea. I have no idea what to do. Heh, it's kind of anti-climactic really. I had spent so much time thinking about what to do if you had felt the same way about me as I felt about you, and now it's real, and…" She shrugged. "…and here I am sitting here like a block of wood with no clue what to do."

Nick chuckled. "If it makes you feel any better, I'm about as clueless as you are. That's why I was kinda hoping you'd have an idea. You always seem to be the one out of the two of us that has her shit together and has some sort of plan to save the day.."

"Dawwwww, shut up." Judy looked away bashfully. "You do fine."

"Really? You've heard about the last few weeks right?" Nick was grinning now. At least that was a good sign. If he could poke fun at himself, there was hope of getting through this yet.

"Extenuating circumstances, Nick. Extenuating circumstances." Judy furrowed her brows for a moment, wiggling her nose in thought. "…so, after last night, after everything. Does this mean that, well, we're a couple now or something?"

"I mean, I guess?" Nick shrugged. "Unlike you, I didn't really have that many fantasies for this because I was a bit late to the party and then just through it was so out of the question there was almost no point in thinking about it." That gave Nick an idea. "…You did say you had spent a lot of time thinking about this? Maybe that would be a good place to start from?"

"Oh- OH! Uhhhh…" If Judy had gone any redder, you would have thought her fur had been dyed with food coloring. "I mean, I, uh- oh jeez. Are you sure that you- you want to hear- it's, uh…"

Nick tried to suppress his smirking, watching his partner have a breakdown in front of him and figuring that wouldn't help the situation- wanting to be supportive in this 'new endeavor' after all. "Relax, Carrots. I'm just curious. We gotta start somewhere. And I'm not gonna judge you- far from it. I wanna hear what you thought about. See if it's anything close to what I've agonized over too."

Judy was incredibly flustered by this point, barely able to string together a coherent sentence. "I mean, most of what I thought about, was um, you know…" an awkward pause followed. "…Physical."

Wow. You wouldn't have thought she could get any redder, and yet, there she was, looking like a fur covered beet. Nick was even flushing at this point too, though his fur hue gave him some much needed camouflage. He cleared his throat before taking a shot in the dark.

"I mean, that isn't um, so bad a starting point though isn't it? The emotional stuff, that takes a while to figure out, but, I mean, at least physical attraction is a bit easier to understand in a nutshell?"

Judy seemed to regain some of her composure, chuckling. "Nick Wilde, you smooth talker. Is that your roundabout way of telling me you're, uh: 'DTF'?" She waggled her eyebrows suggestively.

"Pfffft. Carrots, don't make me laugh, please, I still have stiches you know!" Nick chuckled heartily, shaking his head and rubbing his temples until that silence filled the void again. Then with a sigh, he admitted: "Yeah, yeah I guess it is."

More silence. This was starting to become a theme. So far this 'relationship' was off to an awkward start, that much was certain to both of them even if nothing else was.

"Maybe, we're overthinking this too much?" Nick suggested. "After all, that's what got us in this mess in the first place, right?"

"Judy looked up from her dangling feet, her face lighting up a little as she came to the same realization. "You know, maybe you're right. So, in that case, what do we do?"

Nick shrugged. "I think, we just follow our guts and do what feels right and not rush anything. I mean, we've established there's something nice going on here and we like that, and right now, that's all that matters. We don't need to put labels on it, we don't need to launch headfirst into something, we don't need to do this, that, or the other, blah blah blah. Let's just… do whatever, and figure it out as we go. I think we've shown in the past that our instincts are pretty good. It's when we don't follow them that we seem to get into all sorts of trouble."

Judy nodded again, straightening up in her chair, seemingly full of purpose once more. "Yeah… yeah! You're right. We don't have to figure this out all at once. I think between the two of us, we can wing this and find out something that works, right?"

Nick smiled warmly. "Right."

…There went that silence again.

"…Uh, so now what?" Judy said as she slumped back down a little into her chair.

"Well, what do you want to do Carrots?"

Judy looked like she was about to blush again. Then something different happened. She smiled.

But not an adorable, sweet little bunny smile. Oh no. Oh no no no. This was an absolutely predatorial smile. A smile you see on a hunter who is about to catch their quarry.

But not in the way you'd think.

With a short hop, she suddenly cleared the distance between her chair and the bed, shaking the bed as she did and making Nick jump. "Uh, C-carrots. What are you doing?"

"You asked what I wanted to do, right? I'm showing you." She laughed in a sultry tone as she climbed on all fours up Nick's bed, and then his body.

"Judy! Wh-what if someone comes in! I'm already in enough trouble as it is!" Nick felt absolute terrified, but oh so incredibly turned on at the same time. And he felt that this was just the beginning of a long number of circumstances like this. Oh boy.

"Pfft, relax Nick. I'm not going to screw you in a hospital. I'm not an idiot and I have some self control." She grabbed onto the collar of his hospital gown, now smirking. "I just wanna make out with you a bit."

"Oh." Nick blinked.

"…Well, go right ahead."

Judy didn't need much more encouragement. Yanking the fox closer, she locked lips with him passionately as his paws reached around to the small of her back, pulling her flush with his body. It was electric, even better than the night before- now that Nick had the added benefit of a detox. He could fully enjoy all the sensations and pleasant feelings coursing through his veins.

After weeks of being shat on, life finally seemed to be giving him a break.

"NICHOLAS PIBERIUS WILDE!"

Nick's blood ran cold as his eyes snapped open. He hadn't even heard the door, too preoccupied with his partner's pouty bunny lips. Standing there, frozen, mouth agape, was his mother.

"MOM-"

"NICHOLAS, YOU'RE IN THE HOSPITAL, FOR GOODNESS SAKE, AND YOU'RE- OH MY GOD…"

"MOM, PLEASE, LET ME EXPLAIN!"

Too late. Nick's Mom looked like her brain had left her body and was no longer even on this planet. Her purse slowly slid off her arm before crashing to the floor and spilling its load of miscellaneous old lady items everywhere.

And next to her, with his jaw dropped even further, and a smart phone in his paws, was Cawhauser.

 _FLASH._

"Oh, em, goodness. You two are soooo cuuuute." He brought the phone up to his face, giggling, oblivious to Nick's flabbergasted mother next to him. "Just wait till everyone else at HQ gets a load of this, they're gonna-"

"CLAWHAUUUUUSEEEEEERRRRRR!"

Judy launched off of Nick's lap like it was a springboard, flinging herself at him like a disgruntled furry cannonball. There was a short scream from the overweight cheetah before all hell seemed to break loose. Nick could barely tell what was going on. It was just a tangled mess of claws, tails, ears, and assorted other limbs punctuated by growls and cries for help, all while Nick's poor mouth stood staring off into space, processing what she had just seen.

Nick just let out a long, exhausted sigh as he reached over, giving the nurse call button a couple good long presses and slumping back down into his bed.

Ok, so he had spoken a little too soon.

But, things _had_ to get better from here.

And at least he got to see Carrots beat the stuffing out of Clawhauser for being a gossip.

With that thought, Nick shut his eyes with a smiling, savoring a few seconds to himself.


End file.
